A Billion Wicked Thoughts: Science Bangs our Dirty Minds

If you are waiting for someone to loan you 50 Shades of Grey or you are trying to pace yourself through the Game of Thrones series so you don't have to anxiously wait umpteen years for the next book like this stupid blogger, then I have a great book to recommend for you called A Billion Wicked Thoughts.

I can remember as a little nerd hooka in training, going to the library and seeing the Hite Reports on Female and Male Sexuality, which were probably the largest sex studies after Masters and Johnson, and Kinsey.  Even though I remember the reads being very "sciencey" and staid, I was fascinated, and always made a point to peek at one when I was there. It's good to know that the interest in what turns people on visits onto the third generation and evolves, and becomes A Billion Wicked Thoughts.

The authors, two neuroscientists named Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam, have brought the sexual attraction study game into the 21st century in a huge and interesting way ~ and in a sense, it went viral:  they examined what people do on the internet.  According to them, they studied "a billion web searches, a million websites, a million erotic videos, a million erotic  stories, millions of personal ads, and tens of thousands of digitized romance novels."  By combining this online behavioral data with neuroscience and past studies, they were able to give some sometimes surprising truths and insight about what turns us on.  Past research combined with more current genetic discovery led to some very interesting theories about why we feel funny about certain unexpected things and people and why.

Ogas and Gaddam theorize about a lot of things, including why women are turned on by the dirtiest shit imaginable, and why we (as women) don't realize or admit it consciously, but why we need to do it that way, and how they test this.  Why are straight men are obsessed with being dicks?  Oops, I mean big dicks- and not even their own; big cocks, black cocks, aggressive cocks having sex with their partners while they watch- cocks you would think they wouldn't think about so often-hell, at all- but they do and why, and how they test that. And how, in light of all of this aforementioned research, straight men can think that they are so different than gay men, which they are not but for their sexual hungers and desires? (Duh.)  How bisexual women answer sex questions more like straight men than they do gay or straight women (What you talking 'bout, Scientist?!), and how straight women love gay porn, its growing digital popularity, and how that's pretty normal.

I think that last thing is what made me love this book even more because for years I have battled straight female friends about my preference for gay porn over het porn. Even if the authors of this research are wrong in their theories, I finally feel vindicated. The Bible says it takes a child to lead them, but sometimes, it takes a loud drunk chick who thinks she knows what sexy is. 

You may have an "a-ha" moment as you read, you may have to call bullshit and put it down for a minute, but you"ll have to admit, regardless, that it's very interesting.  And I totally recommend it.

TYB (That's Your Boyfriend): Rudy Eugene

I like the Walking Dead.  I do.  I have watched all the episodes of the first two seasons and I have read the comic books.  Yeah, it's gory and graphic, but I can put all of that on pause in my mind because it is so far-fetched and fantastical, I know that it's never going to happen for real.  At least I thought that until Saturday afternoon when I read about Rudy Eugene.  Rudy it seems, likes to ingest things that are very high up on the no-no list. Like bath salts. And when Rudy eats/snorts/ingests bath salts, he loses his fucking mind and starts eating faces. Or at least that what seems to have happened on Saturday.

Larry Vega, the poor, poor man who will probably start snorting bath salts his damn self to get the hellish images he witnessed out of his mind grapes forever, told anyone who would listen that he saw a naked dude on top of another naked cat, but they weren't playing Leap Frog or doing the Horizontal Hustle.  No, Rudy had gone all Faces of Death on his victim and was "eating the other guy away, like ripping his skin."  After Vega rubbed his eyes a few times and surely asked himself repeatedly, "What the fuck am I looking at?", he screamed at Eugene to get off.  Eugene evidently wasn't done with his face buffet, and continued to Lector his victim.  Finally, Vega flagged down a cop, who also screamed at Eugene to stop with no avail.  He only turned around and growled like the undead and kept on eating until a bunch of bullets from said cop's gun locked his jaw forever.  The victim is in critical condition with "75%-80%" of his face missing.

According to the cops and an emergency room physician, the drug makes people delirious, it elevates their temperatures, they exhibit extreme physical strength, and they use their jaws as weapons.  And according to police president Armando Augilar, four other drug-use instances in Miami-Dade bear a resemblance to this attack. When did The People Under the Stairs come out in Miami?

I hope that the victim survives because no one deserves to die like that, but also so he can tell us what exactly happened.  I wish that Rudy Eugene had survived as well if only to see video of him after he sobered up and came back to sanity's side of reality and saying to the police, "I'm sorry, I ate what?!"

For more information on this story and to prove to your friends you aren't making it up, go to:
http://www.latimes.com/news/nation/nationnow/la-na-nn-naked-face-eating-attack-20120529,0,2974308.story

TYB (That's Your Boyfriend): Jesse James Thomas

Never mind the fact that you could probably just tape this mug shot to a jail cell in every episode of "Beyond Scared Straight" & still make delinquents cry, or that your man looks like he hasn't blinked since 1982, let's talk about what got this fish-eyed fool (never fully understood Aunt Esther's barb until I saw this picture and read the story) locked down in the pokey in the first place.

According to the Sacramento County Sheriff's Office, Jesse James, wearing a dark puffy jacket, a sombrero (yes, you read that right), and a boxing glove jumped on the hood of a patrol car around 12:00A.M.  The 55-year-old Thomas repeatedly screamed his name before jumping off the hood of said car and running even further away from sanity.  When the cops found him later, his crazy ass was lying in the street, probably still screaming his name, so he was arrested on suspicion of public drunkenness. After all that foolery they were still only suspicious?  Really?

What I don't understand- above and beyond where he found a sombrero and a boxing glove (not even a pair, just one)- is how he rolled up on the cops without them seeing him coming?  I'm sure this cat is bigger than Speedy Gonzales, the sombrero wearing mouse from the cartoons, and much louder.  How did they not see him coming- and how was he initially able to get away from the them and hide after he jumped down off the black and white? You can probably Google Map those big ass crazy eyes, surely you can see and feel them burning into you and your soul from the middle of a city street.

Seriously, those eyes are going to haunt my dreams.  I know that Tyra calls smiling with your eyes "smizing"- what do you call murdering a family of 4 or decapitating some hookers with your eyes, because that's what your man is doing.  You know he had all the room in the world in the holding tank because he seems the kind of crazy that will just leap on a dude and choke a bitch out  for smelling him wrong. You would have to be crazier than him to mess with him, and I just don't think that's possible.

Blindness, Hairy Palms, and Dead Kittens

If you've noticed more of the aforementioned afflictions this past month, don't worry.  It's not part of the Mayan Prophecy or anything like that.  It turns out that May is National Masturbation Month.  I feel like a bad mother for not letting y'all know this sooner, but I was too busy masturbating.  I kid.  I honestly didn't know until yesterday, but alas- the best has been saved for the end of the month- if you live in San Francisco.  I will get to that in a minute because we first have to discuss why May is Masturbation Month (and surprisingly it has nothing to do with Beltane).

For those of you who are too young to remember, or were too hopped on E at the raves to remember, in 1995 Dr. Jocelyn Elders, the most bad ass, honest Surgeon General ever was FIRED for saying that masturbation needed to be talked and taught about in sex education classes.  I know. This bitch had the nerve and audacity to encourage talking about the safest sex possible (unless you asphyxiate yourself or get something stuck) in a healthy, educational setting  to young people.  Dr. Elders being fired for that was like Celie telling Harpo to beat Sophia:  wrong.

In a show of support for Dr. Elders and as a way of speaking out against the irresponsible, sexually retarded  (and I mean "retarded" in its true definition, not "differently-abled")  beliefs that choke this country, San Francisco based Good Vibrations, the clean, well-lit place to buy erotica and pleasure items started National Masturbation Month (NMM). The intention behind NMM was and is to get people talking about self-pleasure openly and without being embarrassed.

The culmination of NMM has been, and continues through this year to be the Masturbate-A-Thon.  That's right- it's like Rule 34 jumped off-line and morphed into Rule 69:  If it's sexual and you can think of it, you can find it somewhere in San Francisco.  So for those of you out there who have always wanted to masturbate in a room full of strangers & not get arrested, Sunday, May 27th, 2012 is your chance.

The Center for Sex & Culture, at 1349 Mission Street, has scheduled this year's Masturbate-A-Thon from 10PM-12AM.  For the low price of $40, you can sponsor yourself or bring a sponsor form with pledges from your boss, mom, dad, memaw, pepaw, or in-laws; whoever you're not too embarrassed to ask.  The money goes to support CSC and their continuing efforts in sexual health and education.  There are various prizes to be won, an open bar, and a finger buffet (kidding about the last two).  For more real information, go to http://masturbate2012.tumblr.com, or you can check out their website @ www.sexandculture.org. 
See ya Sunday!!

A Smile about Sex (ASS) 5-2-12

copied from:  http://www.lilith-ezine.com/articles/sex/Sex-Jokes-and-Cartoons-IV.html

A Smile about Sex (ASS) 5-1-12