Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Axel Witsel

Sometimes when you traipse through the mundane, you end up stumbling upon something special or unusual. Like a unicorn- or a friendly little girl ghost named Emily. Or better still, a brotha with a huge afro and blue eyes. What?!  Yep. Unlike reading about something in fairy tales or hearing about something else from my stoned roommate like the first two, I actually saw the third one with my own two eyes. This blue-eyed, afro-dized brotha is named Axel Witsel, which evidently translates from some ancient, forgotten goddian language (yes, I like to make up words) and means "uniquely striking beauty".  And I found out he lives and breathes when I was visually walking around the internet reading about racism in European football (more on that below).

This 6 ft 1 in, multi-lingual, Zidane lovin', Capricorn/Dragon midfielder was born on January 12, 1989 in Liege, Belgium.  His father Thierry Witsel was also a footballer who played for a small club in Belgium, and still plays in the Belgian first division of mini-football (indoors).  I mention his pops so much because he is hella cute and while I know good black don't crack, this is just retarded:  Look at this man! How old was he when he had Axel? Three?!  He looks young enough to be Axel's slightly older hot friend who is juussst old enough for me "to (insert a verb)". And you know you would too, so shut it.

Axel started playing football when he was 4, and was taken into Standard de Liege when he was 9 where he did all of his youth categories.  Then it was onto Standard's professional team when he was 17.  After leaving Standard, he went onto Benfica in Portugal where he played until he decided to put his life in his own hands by signing on to to play with Zenit St. Petersburg on September 3rd of last year.  I say that for those of you who don't follow football and don't know how notoriously racist many Russian fans are:  They are so racist that the Zenit fan group Landscrona released a "manifesto" about their dream Zenit team that started with, "We're not racists, but..." I don't even need to finish quoting the rest of the sentence because you know some jacked up shit is coming.  Why?  Because we all know that one of the quickest ways a  racist can  reveal him or herself is to utter the aforementioned, "I'm not racist, but..."  Luckily Axel is not the only person of color in this den of bigotry as he was signed at the same time as former Porto rival, the Brazilian, Hulk- and they join Portuguese defender Bruno Alves, who signed in 2010.  To read the whole article about the douchebags of Landscrona, click here.

The soon-to-be 24 year old Witsel is booed up with a Romanian woman named Raefella Szabo.  I tried to find information about her online, but when Google translate informed me that she is a "he" and instead of "girlfriend", called her "millionaire friend", I figured I would simply leave you chirruns with the photo below and the knowledge that she and her breasts live with him in St. Petersburg.

Axel, I hope you have a fantabulous 24th birthday and I hope those foolish fans at Zenit don't make you have to pull a Boateng, but if so, I will cheer for you as I have for him!

MMA Fighter Ray Elbe...One Broke Dick

O.K.  I know that most mammals have bones in their penises, but since humans don't in spite of the "boner" misnomer, I didn't know it was possible for a man to fracture his penis.  Until today.  Until MMA fighter Ray Elbe decided to come forth with his tale of penile woe.

According to Ray, when he and his lady were in Malaysia enjoying some sexy love times earlier this month, she bobbed when she should have weaved while she was on top of him, and crushed his special area. He bled like a stuck pig, passed out from the pain, and was rushed to the hospital (or as they call it in the 2nd official language in Malaysia: hospital).  The doctors performed emergency surgery for a "slight" (a quote, obviously not Ray Elbe's word) tear in his urinary tube, gave him some anti-erection medication (not sure what the meds were, but I am imagining photos of Honey Boo Boo's mother June in a two-piece bikini with that rope of fat around her neck for the win on my guess) to take for 2 weeks, and other than stress dreams and trying to trauma block out a pain that must have been akin to having a baby come out of his pee-pee hole, Elbe seems to be physically okay.

Ray chose to tell his version of a 21st century PSA (send a picture of yourself in an ambulance to TMZ) to the world because until it happened to him, he didn't know it was possible.  When he looked online after the fact, he was shocked to see that it's a pretty common occurrence but many men don't go to the ER when it happens because they are embarrassed and many don't realize, beyond the excruciating pain, the potential for serious internal injuries and long term damage when a cockeyed dick enthusiast's heat is even slightly misaligned with a heat seeking moisture missile.

While I feel bad for Elbe, I feel much better about myself.  I know that I am not a good sex person, but I can now take comfort in the knowledge that while I have made some dicks go limp, at least I have never fractured one (aiming high, bitches).

I also feel bad for Elbe's girlfriend, who according to him promised a threesome of his choice when they get to the Philippines, to which he added (regarding the Philippines), "...usually has some solid talent."  Great.  You basically already told the world that she fucks like a blind epileptic having a grand mal seizure, and now you're gonna put her in a corner and have her simulate sex until you're sure she learns how to ride right by watching some prostitute of questionable gender pound on your Wii. (Sorry, but that girlfriend isn't getting close to his penis again until she has some Phenobarbital and night vision goggles- I don't care what she promised.)

To read more about what a fractured dork means (from a doctor and; not just my sagacious ass) and see what to do if your spastic Magoo lover breaks your johnson, click here.

To read more about Ray Elbe's story at TMZ, click here.

Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Ibrahim Afellay

Before the Euro 2012 started, I decided that I was going to go through each of the 16 teams and pick out some of the lesser known, at least on this side of the pond, hotties.  Yeah, easier said than effin' done.  Most of the information that I saw was statistical about the players and teams, but there was little to nothing in the way of photos or good, gossipy personal information.  Sad face with thumbs down, right?  Coupling that with the fact that I am lazy as hell, I decided to let that idea go and simply watch the tourny and enjoy the beautiful games.

Although the Russia/ Czech Republic game was painful to watch Friday, and it was shocking to watch the Netherlands go down yesterday to the Danish team, I am not one to harp on the negative:  When life gives me lemons..., I am thankful the thorns have roses..., since the house is on fire I warm myself. I am a walking positive attitude platitude. Yesterday was no exception.  Instead of bemoaning that the Dutch lost, I celebrated that I noticed Ibrahim Afellay for the first time, in spite of the fact he played on the Dutch team during the 2010 World Cup and the 2008 Euro Cup.

I probably hadn't noticed this rockin' Moroccan (heritage) because I have never ordered veal in a restaurant or in my boudoir, and Ibrahim is yooouunnggg. And though I am certainly no priest, this kid looks damn good.  He's like chocolate, candy, ice cream, puffy clouds, kittens, condoms, and vodka all rolled up in a fantasy.  A footballin', younger, tad bit browner, a little more Muslim-er,  Colin Farrell.  Seriously.  You can totally see it, right? I want to read him adult bedtime stories and spike his hot chocolate with Ecstasy.  Okay, maybe I am a priest.  Or Madonna. Or Sharon Stone.

Ibrahim, "Ibi" as he's called, was born April 2, 1986, in Utrecht, Netherlands.  He was named Best Young Player in The Netherlands in 2007, and has been playing for FC Barcelona since his debut on January 5, 2011. Unfortunately, in September 2011, Afellay suffered an anterior cruciate ligament injury during training and was out for more than 7 months.

Guess that gave him some time get even closer to his girlfriend, Dorien Rose.  Rose is a Dutch model, singer, and actress who is very popular in the Netherlands.  She has been described as a "mix of Olivia Wilde and at-her-peak Angelina Jolie" (ouch!)  Go ahead, Ibrahim, with your sexy little self.