Quote of the Day: A wise woman...

Chocolate and Pearls has Some New Cards!

To see all cards go to http://www.zazzle.com/chocolateandpearls

                                                                 (cover and sample text)

Quote of the Day: A Man is like a Cat...

Quote of the Day: Love Begins with an Image...

MMA Fighter Ray Elbe...One Broke Dick

O.K.  I know that most mammals have bones in their penises, but since humans don't in spite of the "boner" misnomer, I didn't know it was possible for a man to fracture his penis.  Until today.  Until MMA fighter Ray Elbe decided to come forth with his tale of penile woe.

According to Ray, when he and his lady were in Malaysia enjoying some sexy love times earlier this month, she bobbed when she should have weaved while she was on top of him, and crushed his special area. He bled like a stuck pig, passed out from the pain, and was rushed to the hospital (or as they call it in the 2nd official language in Malaysia: hospital).  The doctors performed emergency surgery for a "slight" (a quote, obviously not Ray Elbe's word) tear in his urinary tube, gave him some anti-erection medication (not sure what the meds were, but I am imagining photos of Honey Boo Boo's mother June in a two-piece bikini with that rope of fat around her neck for the win on my guess) to take for 2 weeks, and other than stress dreams and trying to trauma block out a pain that must have been akin to having a baby come out of his pee-pee hole, Elbe seems to be physically okay.

Ray chose to tell his version of a 21st century PSA (send a picture of yourself in an ambulance to TMZ) to the world because until it happened to him, he didn't know it was possible.  When he looked online after the fact, he was shocked to see that it's a pretty common occurrence but many men don't go to the ER when it happens because they are embarrassed and many don't realize, beyond the excruciating pain, the potential for serious internal injuries and long term damage when a cockeyed dick enthusiast's heat is even slightly misaligned with a heat seeking moisture missile.

While I feel bad for Elbe, I feel much better about myself.  I know that I am not a good sex person, but I can now take comfort in the knowledge that while I have made some dicks go limp, at least I have never fractured one (aiming high, bitches).

I also feel bad for Elbe's girlfriend, who according to him promised a threesome of his choice when they get to the Philippines, to which he added (regarding the Philippines), "...usually has some solid talent."  Great.  You basically already told the world that she fucks like a blind epileptic having a grand mal seizure, and now you're gonna put her in a corner and have her simulate sex until you're sure she learns how to ride right by watching some prostitute of questionable gender pound on your Wii. (Sorry, but that girlfriend isn't getting close to his penis again until she has some Phenobarbital and night vision goggles- I don't care what she promised.)

To read more about what a fractured dork means (from a doctor and; not just my sagacious ass) and see what to do if your spastic Magoo lover breaks your johnson, click here.

To read more about Ray Elbe's story at TMZ, click here.

Quote of the Day: It's easier to keep 1/2 a dozen lovers...

Quote of the Day: ...the object of our profoundest worship...

Quote of the Day: A Man Never Knows...

Quote of the Day: Beautiful Maleness

TYG (That's Your Girlfriend): Jana Lawrence

If “elegance” now means drunken, trashy, slovenly harridan, then its epitome is Jana Lawrence.  According to the Huffington Post, this delicate flower blossomed into a bouquet of skank while watching the SEC Championship game between Georgia and Alabama at El Jinete restaurant in Dacula, GA.  As you read about Lady Jana’s antics I know you will probably find yourself repeatedly asking, “What becomes a legend most?”

Evidently this borracha must have been drinking Los Jinetes Cuatros (the Four Horsemen)  because she lost her mind and left it on the bathroom floor next to her morals:  Bitch started cussing people out and flashing her boobs.  But the coup de foudre for this shining example of exquisiteness personified? Rubbing the genitals of another female patron and licking her face.  Such a fuckin’ lady, right? 

When the management finally had enough of her foolery and sexual battery and tossed her out, she reacted in true drunk fashion by not going home, but moving onto another bar/restaurant.  The second establishment she infested was called Friends, and Jana did her best to not make any by licking on peeps again and grabbing random dudes' in their "special area".  

The manager finally told her to hit the bricks because her ass was hanging out of her pants, and she acted like she was reaching for her pocketbook to douse herself in some more “demure” and “genteel”, but instead reached down and pulled her pants further down.

When the cops came to take her away ha, ha- she poured more of her special Jana sugar on them calling them racial slurs, and names like the English term for cigarettes,  as well as threatening to bury them under the jail.  After she finished insulting and inciting the boys, she offered some Sapphic Cellblock H action to the female officer on duty.  Umm.  Sounds sexy in a vomit inducing game of "Death is Not an Option" kind of way.

The 46-year-old walked around the Grand Canyon to get her secret wish to go to the pokey because she told the cops before she vomited on herself and passed out (I would assume) that she was glad to go to jail because her husband “beats her ass” and couldn’t get to her there.  How any man could be driven to beat on such timeless radiance is beyond me.

This ray of sunshine, veritable poetry in motion, Jana Lawrence, was ultimately charged with sexual and simple battery, public indecency and drunkenness.  She remained in jail at press time.

To see the full Huffington Post article, click here.

Quote of the Day: I'm Being Treated like a Sex Object...

Quote of the Day: Lover knows more than logician

And on the 8th Day God Created the Septuagenarian Venus that is Hattie Wiener

Why do I keep hearing about that Honey Boo Boo when the real summit of beauty and grace on TLC is Hattie Wiener?  Although Hattie has been featured on 1 or 2 other TLC shows, I was only introduced to her goddessity on Sunday’s episode of “Extreme Cougar Wives”.  The show is complete crap, but sometimes you have to pick through cow dung to get to the Psilocybin mushrooms- and Hattie is a lovely, lovely trip. 

This holistic life coach and expert in anti-aging and sexuality who has authored/co-authored 3 books, is like Tallulah Bankhead, Blanche Deveraux, and Mae West all rolled into one sexy girlfriend.  Who happens to be 76.  She swims, she works out, she masturbates, and she is a straight up, unapologetic, young-dick-haver.  On the episode of “ECW” that I saw, she had 2 dates with a 29-year-old cub, and then met another young 25-year-old cat at the swimming pool!  I hope I still even know what a penis is when I am 76, let alone be active enough to still go on dates and mack on dudes.

Say what you will and hate all you want, but this woman should be celebrated.  If not for her refreshingly cavalier attitude about sex, particularly, senior sex, then for her self-awareness, self- knowledge, and self-honesty.  She has realized what path makes her happy and is following it as she enjoys her soul’s journey.  It’s not about achieving a goal or finding something at the end, it’s about making the most of the ramble.  Some might call her a spiritual slut, and she probably wouldn’t care, but we all would so much happier if we spent less time hatin’ and more time realizing what would make each of us happy and guide us to our own paths. We would do well if we all were as soulfully aware as this bar-hopping gangy who says "hell yeah" to sex on the first date. 

Hattie Wiener is my new hero.  After her divorce at 48, she built it and they came (and so did she, evidently).  I want to be her when I “sept up” (hit my 70s), and I don’t care who knows it.  She is so bad ass, she makes Betty White look like a punk.  And err’body knows that Betty White ain’t no punk.

When your last name is Wiener, whether you dig it or not, you are gonna get clowned.  When your last name is Wiener and you love dick, well, that’s the universe telling you something and you should listen.  Thankfully, Hattie did.

“With or without a partner, I’ll keep dancing.” – Hattie Wiener.