Stir Up the Campbell? No, Y'all, La Sopa is Good

When I younger, I didn’t like Naomi Campbell because she always seemed like the perennial mean girl.  Although I’m sure she is definitely still the HBIC (head bitch in charge) of any group she rolls with, I understand better why.  Surely she was born a bad ass, but being a dark-skinned sista coming up in the modeling world when she did and to achieve what she has, she had to develop a super thick skin and a sharper tongue. She also had to know when to slam her foot down and when to raise it up to kick someone’s ass (literally and figuratively).

That being said, I know that I appear rather fascinated with her lately, and I guess I am- but I am not the only one.  It seems like the media had been following La Sopa around every yacht on which she frolicks since she parted with Vlad the Model Impaler. (And I want to say quickly, I call her “La Sopa” for her last name obviously, but also because she’s hot, her body is long, lean, and fluid; and even if you don’t love her, you can totally appreciate her at certain times. So if you run into her before me, please let her know that).  Every time I check certain sites lately on the interwebs, there are pictures of Naomi splashing around in the sea, appearing to give less than a shit about Vlad and Luo Zilin.

Even though her give a fuck is deliciously broken (at least in the press) when it comes to the two aforementioned assholes, I think that the media is following her around so much, because like me, they are waiting for her to flip the bitch switch and bring back vintage, hot and fiery La Sopa:  We all keep waiting for her to come for them like they work at British Airways…or for her- cellphone and all.  We want to see her stomp onto Vlad’s yacht, catwalk on Luo’s face, and punch Vlad hard in his windpipe so he will continue to shut the eff up about the wherefores and whys of his assholery.  That would be letting them off easy because the way they dogged her out is exactly why women kill and why Investigation Discovery is one of the hottest cable channels right now.

But maybe we are all waiting in vain for La Sopa to boil over because according to an article I recently saw, this seemingly anger-managed Naomi is channeling her rage into some intense workouts.  They say the best revenge is living well, and she looks fabulous-er!  She might rent space on the runway to some of these young upstarts so they can walk behind her, but bitch still owns it.  Period. And her body is rocking so hard in her bathing suit shots she should probably take some Dramamine before she makes herself sick.

The thing that probably has me most captivated regarding Naomi in this tsunami of wrong is that we see who Vlad has already moved down to…oops. I mean, on, to. The question I’m asking is, “Who does Naomi date now?”  Once you’ve dated a billionaire, I would imagine it must be hard to go back to a simple multi-millionaire.  You don’t voluntarily go from first class to coach.  You don’t go from the Plaza to Holiday Inn Express- not on purpose any way.  Naomi the Great has conquered the Western World sexually/ romantically-so like that Alexander of old, I think she should turn toward the east.   

Seriously, bitch would want to friend up Janet Jackson for realsies.  That hooka didn’t do too shabby with Wissam (less his ears) and surely he has friends or relatives that they can introduce to Naomi.  And while I don’t necessarily see her happy about the thought of wearing a hijab (or anything that covers her ridiculous body in any form),  I can imagine ten or so billion reasons for her to plaster on a fake effing smile and wear the shit out of one.  #teamnaomi #kickabitch #imnotsayingsheshouldvekilledhimbutiunderstand #slapaho #getoffmyrunway

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Luo Zilin Might Not be Broken, but Naomi Fixed Her

Oh, snap!  The laxatives have hit the catwalk, chirrun, and that's all I know.  In case you have a life and haven't been paying attention to internet twaddle about people whose lives have no bearing whatsoever on yours, let me hip you to the how it goes: Luo Zilin, an aspiring model and former Miss Universe China who was also mentored by Naomi Campbell on "The Face" was just snapped in Ibiza all hugged up on Naomi's ex-lover, Vlad Doronin.  Luo, who is also known as Zi Lin, and will probably be known in the modeling world from here on out as "The Supermodel Who Almost Was" better kick off her Louboutins and run for her damn life, because Naomi is coming for her.

I don't know what Luo Zi (Cray-Zi) could have possibly been thinking:  Naomi and Vlad have only been apart for a minute, and the hooka met Vlad through Naomi. Miss N doesn't even like to give away phones that she can't throw at people anymore- did Luo really think Naomi wouldn't mind her humping on her ex when she can still smell his money and sweat on her pillows?  Bitch, really?  I have said it before and I will say it now, Naomi ain't the one.  I have three-year-old twin nieces who have no idea who Naomi Campbell is and they know this, I don't understand how Vlad and Cray-Zi don't.

Y'all KNOW that Naomi was (rightly) pissed- she gives this bitch a chance for an amazing career and all the perks and she says 'thank you' by bangin' on her piece? Well, if you didn't know how mad La Sopa is, you will now because Luo has been dropped by her modeling agency- MIX Model Management- for acting a ho (they worded it nicer, of course).  I hope Vlad's penis is as impressive and memorable as his portfolio, because dick memories are all that chick is gonna walk away from this with besides a wrecked modeling career.  Maybe if she's lucky some kid serum leaked out of his test tube into her incubator and she won't have to worry about working for the next 18 years. While that could happen, of course, I would like to think that Vlad learned something from his mentor Leo DiCaprio about drinking heartily and often from the offering bowl of uber-hot models without spilling anything. We'll see in a few months.

Speaking of Leo, Vlad better get his steering aligned and stay clear of bush league maneuvers like this one in the future because I'm sure Leo doesn't want peeps thinking that his protege is learning this rookie mess from him, and I am sure he doesn't want to get caught in the hail of cellphones as bullets Naomi will be machine gunning at any yachting vessel anywhere near the Iberian Peninsula. Leo has been standing at stud for all the top modeling agencies in the world for a while and seems to be very generous about sharing that status, for Vlad to pick the one trick-in-training who is 20 years younger than Naomi and relatively close to her instead of one from the A-List Hollywood and; Billionaire's Stable is petty and junior high, and I am betting he was punished with more than Leo's titanic gaze of disappointment (sorry- I couldn't resist).

You know the one person who is not disappointed at all and is probably reveling at this whole drama de los amantes is Vlad's long-estranged wife Ekaterina (estranged for an eternity, bitches, but never an ex. Yep, I'm looking at you, Zi).  That woman has probably laughed the Botox out of her face as she sits on her Mink chaise lounge donning the super wealthy Russian equivalent of pajamas and a bowl of popcorn- an ankle length Barguzin Sable fur coat and a Lalique Igor bowl of Imperial River Beluga caviar- and reads about all this foolery via her Google alerts.

Something on my Mind-Grapes: Naomi Campbell

When I first heard the other day that Ms. Thang Naomi Campbell was mugged and injured on a Parisian street while trying to hail a cab over a month ago, my mind went into overdrive. Especially when they initially said that she didn't file a police report. While I obviously wasn't there to say it didn't happen- I haven't been to Paris since I flew there on a whim over a decade ago and ended up meeting and making out with Johnny Depp at the Buddha Bar in a dream I had- something about the story rang false. Mainly it was that I have a feeling that after decades of limousines, yachts, and private jets, Naomi doesn't even remember what a cab is.  The notion of her standing on the street waiting- what the fuck is "waiting"?- for some random person who smells like broken dreams and fast food to stop and collect her, is probably as foreign to her as the fact cellphones are not weapons of assistant destruction.  If a multimillionaire hit on Naomi right now she would probably pat him on the head, tell him his financial situation was "cute" and to come back when he has "big boy money."  She is not going to be standing in the street like a "non-special".  Bump that. Bitch takes her 1000 mg "I ain't the one" tablets 3 times a day and she is not having that.

So, of course, with my over-driven aforementioned mind, I thought that something far more seemingly inline with the wrath of Campbell must have gone down:  I was really hoping that maybe, just maybe, she was with Vlad the (Naomi) Impaler and they got in some simple lovers' exchange which quickly devolved into her catwalk stomping her phone into a Chinese Throwing Star, and sending it shooting at her man when he went for her ego's jugular and told her something like her 100% Chinese Virgin full lace wig looked like she bought it in a Ziploc bag at Ratchet Discount Hair Bins. Vlad, having a wife and girlfriend who both know of each other, would obviously know how to do a Matrix backbend and dodge a hurled object.  I imagined that after he stood back up and said, "No, this bitch just didn't" in Russian a few times, he came her Ike style and she injured herself trying to jump up too fast in four and a half inch Louboutin Guerilla spikes to teach him some Tyson shit she learned back in the day from Mike.  I envisioned that they went a few rounds mano-a-mano before passion took them in a different direction and they fell on the ground and dirty-verbed each other until she realized something was wrong when she couldn't get her leg from around his neck.

Well, sweet dreams aren't made of that because in the updated report via the New York Post, the incident- minus the cab- really did supposedly happen in front of the home/workplace of designer Azzedine Alaia. And there was a police report which stated the incident happened on November 21st. Two bikers were allegedly trying to gank her bag, but they didn't get it.  She is a for real kinda bitch, and for that she gets a standing slow clap from me:  Naomi would rather tear a ligament than give up her "you could die, come back, live to be 100, and still never afford this bag" bag.  The report said that she tore the ligament when she fell, but with those long ass legs and her (understandable) rage, she probably did it when she touched the back of her head with her wind up kick and tried to soccer ball their heads down Rue de Don't Fuck With Me like she was taking a penalty shot in the World Cup.

After the attack,Vladimir Doronin, her billionaire boyfriend, whisked her off to Vail, CO. to an orthopedic specialist and upped her security. Speaking of her boyfriend, in light of reports about this mugging, many people who didn't know much about him, are outraged that Naomi is booed up with a married man.  Whatevs. According to everything I've read, he and his wife had been living separate lives for a decade before he met Naomi.  And get this, he supposedly had a seven year relationship with another woman before Naomi that his wife knew about as well.  Apparently, the two of them continue to co-parent their 15-year-old daughter, and he reportedly takes excellent financial care of both of them. Obviously the situation isn't ideal, but it sounds like he's at least honest about things and tries to keep the peace as much as he can- and from the photo above, it seems as though they can at least make nice for pictures.

There have been rumors swirling since last spring that his wife is planning to divorce him, but even if she has said it, I don't believe she will really do it.  Why would she? First off, since killing a spouse so you don't have to payout in a divorce settlement is evidently the new black, she's lucky that he didn't do that in the first place (and I know that's a sad testament about the state of the world that I am praising someone for not killing their spouse over money but there ya go).  Secondly, if you watched even one episode of Russian Dolls on VH1 then you are as pathetic as I am, but you also know that Russian broads don't play. I'm sure she and Naomi try to out-bitch each other at every possible turn, and probably grudgingly, secretly respect each other for it.  That being said, if I were his wife I would try to checkmate a bitch legit and NEVER, EVER divorce him- and rejoice in Naomi's fury as I told the world my lie, and ran up behind her in her rehab wheelchair, whispering the truth in her ear.