Thanksgiving Day Hollywood Style: Turkey, Stuffing, and a Beatdown

I know that I am not supposed to delight in men beating the crap out of each other.  Especially in front of a child- even if she was rushed away before the actual fisticuffs, she had to get a sense of the mood and that is not cute.  But when I heard that Olivier Martinez bam-bammed on Gabriel Aubry's face in Halle Berry’s driveway- something very primal came out of me.  I immediately had visions of ancient warriors, gladiators, invaders, and destroyers.  And I liked it.  I know it's the 21st century, and we should all know better than to let our fists be our words, but sometimes we forget that we are just basically animals that have shoes on and opposable thumbs. 

Something about the idea of these two beautiful men beating on each other- while screaming and arguing in French no less- was so brutally masculine and unapologetically, well, violent, that it made me feel very feminine because somewhere in the twisted, vodka soaked noodles I call a brain, there lurked a desire for two beautiful men to be fighting over me.  And what woman in her reptilian base brain, wouldn't be turned on by that?  Especially if the dude you were engaged to beat down the man who you not only kicked to the curb, but who seemed to start the whole mess.  I'm sure when Halle finally calmed down, and Olivier came back from ER with only a swollen hand and scratch marks on his neck, she probably let fly with a primordial scream that reverberated through eons of dick-hungry women, ripped his clothes clean off his body and dirty-verbed him all night long. I sure would have.  

And it's frightening, but somewhat refreshing to know that the man-cave-fight-club thing can still bring out a lusty, however brief, desire in us women when given two hot-ass opponents.  Again, I am not a proponent of  this type of violence, but for just a moment, I had to be honest with myself and admit that the idea of the clash these present day Titans was super sexy.  I will also say, though, that I believe the whole thing could’ve been made better, a whole lot sexier, and far less bloody if they had just settled it the way all good looking men should handle disputes:  Turkish Oil Wrestling (click here to read more about Turkish Oil Wrestling and see photos).

Gabriel is obviously not the brightest person in the world.  Hell, he might not be the brightest person in a room full of 3-year-olds:  You're a model and you make a good chunk of your living from your face.  Why would you risk that by going after a former boxer?!  And if this is you showing the world that you don't have rage issues, then you were obviously Valedictorian at the Lohan School of Issue Denial.  Finally, for your viewing pleasure (displeasure?): Here’s a picture TMZ.com posted of Gabriel’s now broken mug.  Frenchman 1, French Canadian 0.

The Blind Item that Helen Keller Could See

Over at blindgossip.com the other day, they posted this teaser. Anyone who has recently glanced at the internet figured it out about three words in:

[CDAN] This B-list foreign born always movie actor just recently got engaged to a very high profile actress. Does she know about the two employees he is sleeping with whenever he comes to town?

I don't understand why they just don't come out and say that according to unnamed sources, "Olivier Martinez is dirty dickin' around on Halle Berry" and call it day? I also don't understand why, why, why after all this time and all these bad relationships she is still even willing to date any man in the entertainment industry? Supposedly Wesley Snipes (and not the one from 30 Rock) tried to force feed her a knuckle sandwich- in her ear- and deafed a bitch up a bit. And who knows all the strange and dirty she bullshitted around with before she became really famous, although we all know the unfortunate end-times she had with David Justice, Eric Benet, and Gabriel Aubry.

Don't get it twisted- I am all about love. I heart love a lot, and I understand that your heart doesn't listen to reason. In fact, recent studies have shown that the part of our brain affected when we're madly in love is also the part that's affected when we're madly doing lines of booga sugah. Robert Palmer was right, "...might as well face it you're addicted to love..." I understand all of that, but at some point, you have to take a step back, look at the entire wide screen, and see all of the flags on the field. Halle seems to have a thing for French/French inspired dudes (Benet, Aubry, Martinez) and sports dudes (Snipes-he's a martial artist as well as acting & not paying taxes, Justice-former baseball player). They are just not working out for her. In the words of Liz Lemon, "Shut it down."

And we're all thinking it, so I am just gonna say it: Olivier Martinez was probably born with a condom on because as soon as he exited "mom south", he began his never ending quest to get back in. And there are lots of women- I'm sure from a very young age- who are/were more than happy to oblige. He's one of those cats who just brings sex out of a bitch. You could slam your pinkie toe in a steel door, see a picture of him, and forget the pain because you're thinking about what he looks like naked & tied to your bedpost. I mean look at him in the picture above. I dare you to not think about sex. Maybe not sex with him (yeah, right), but some part of you is thinking about sex with someone. He brings that-with chocolate and ice cream- in pictures and movies (I wanted to kill Richard Gere for killing him in Unfaithful), can you imagine what he does to a bitch in person? Even though he's been lookin' a little raggedy lately, he still fairly drips sex.

And if we all know this and can see this, why can't Halle? Olivier is dirty hot like a stripper & should be dealt with accordingly: Get some mindblowing sex from him, buy him some cute trinkets, and then send him on his way so you can focus on a serious potential partner. Don't marry him, girl- he's gonna break your heart- just ask Kylie!

I believe that some people can change some behaviors, but this dude has seen more pussies than a veterinarian- I don't see that changing soon considering it already seems like bitches are getting naked when they stop him on the Rue de Voulez-Vous to ask directions to the metro. I am not hating on Olivier- I'm sure he's a good cat in many aspects, he just seems to have too much testosterone to be monogamous. And she seems to have a little too much crazy to deal with that.