Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Simon Cowell

Err'body knows how much I love my dream baby daddy, Colin Farrell, or El Farrell as I have christened him on the fake birth certificate I had made up although I don't have kids.  If I ever have the opportunity to meet him, I'm sure the sounds of his security team screaming, "Ma'am put your clothes back on and step away from Mr. Farrell!" will be forever seared in my brain. Sigh.

What not many people know is that even though I have so much mad love in my heart for El Farrell, I still have room to love another.  And I do- but since I know how divisive he is and how strong people's opinions are about him- I haven't told many people.  Today, since we're all friends here, I will proudly tell y'all his name:  Simon Cowell.  That's right, bitches. Former American Idol judge, X Factor dude, one night stand robbery victim, he of the bizarre Shower Head looking hairstyle, short ass Simon Phillip Cowell makes this hooka feel like a grown woman in my Black Iris area every time I see him.

And it's not because he's a bazillionaire as I'm sure some of the more cynical among you have assumed- at least not in the way you have assumed.  I love that he has had his financial ups and downs and yet he never quit- what can I say?  I find tenacity sexy.  I also love that though he might be brutal in his opinions about people and their talent- or lack thereof- he has managed to remain friends with many of his exes, he definitely has a sense of humor about himself (voice on The Simpson & Family Guy episodes- as well as other comedic turns & self mockery), and he likes kids and puppies (giving to children's charities and a video for PETA), and I'll bet he's nice to waiters.

Simon was born on October 7, 1959 in Lambeth, London & raised in Elstree, Hertfordshire and given he's  a Libra Pig it's no surprise he likes things in excess.  His father was a real estate developer and his mother is a former ballet dancer and socialite.  His father actually helped him get him a job in the mail room at EMI Music Publishing, and helped him get re-hired later as the assistant to an A & R man.  After working his way up, Simon was eventually promoted into music publishing.

He left and went to work with Iain Burton at indie label Fanfare Records.  He worked with Burton for 8 years, becoming a partner and building Fanfare into a successful pop label with lots of different artists including Sinitta.  They did well for a while, but by 1989, the label fell into the hands of BMG and a seriously in-debt Simon was forced to move back into his parents' house.  And now look at his ass 23 years later worth about $320 million dollars (according to biographer Tom Bower and the Sunday Times Rich List).  It must've taken an almost possessed drive to come up with his money making ideas and actually bring them to fruition- which makes for a great businessman, but a lousy boyfriend (which he concedes).

Speaking of Tom Bower, he just released his Cowell biography called, "Sweet Revenge:  The Intimate Life of Simon Cowell" in which he says that Simon had, "...20 years- more than 20 years- of humiliation."  I would like to amend that to 20 years and 1 night, because Bower reveals in the book that Simon had a one night stand with some hooka he met at Drai's in Hollywood (mistake #1), took her home (mistake #2), and she stole his wallet and his laptop, which had X Factor secrets on it.  He got the computer back, but (shockingly) all the money was gone from his wallet.  Oh, Simon.

In the book Bower also says that Simon had an affair with Kylie Minogue's sister Danii while she was a judge on the X Factor.  Yawn.  More interesting to me is that Sharon Osbourne is squawking that he cheated with multiple chicks while he was engaged to Mezhgan Hussainy. Hold on!  An incredibly wealthy man who is constantly surrounded by beautiful women actually cheated with one or more?  Wow!  The next thing you know the sun will rise in the east.  First of all, Sharon Osbourne needs to shut the fuck up considering she is married to a man who was in a little rock band called Black Sabbath.  Now, I am not a betting woman, but I am pretty sure five will get me ten if I say he was dirty dickin' around on her quite a bit back in the day.  She knows what wealthy, famous men are like & even more, she knows what women can be like around those said men. If Simon did cheat, which he probably did, he ain't exactly planting a flag in newly chartered territory.

And I have to say that although I am sad that the groovy kind of love we all look for didn't last for Simon and Mezhgan, I didn't want him him to marry her.  Not cos I thought he should come for me- I am not that delusional (besides, what would Colin say?)- but because I want a big personalitied, I-will- take- off- my- earring- and- fight- you kinda broad for Simon.  She's gotta be beautiful, graceful, and well mannered of course (remember his mama was a ballerina and a socialite)- but she's gotta be able to say "Not me & not today" with just her eyes to him. Like ghetto fab smizing.  And I'm sure Mezhgan's broken heart is slightly less cracked as she contemplates life and love in the $8 million dollar mansion he tossed her the keys and title to as she watched his $400,000 Rolls Royce get smaller when he drove off and left her in Iquityabitchville.