Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? Female Bodybuilders

Okay, chirrun. I was flipping through stations a couple of weeks ago, and came upon a documentary on MSNBC called "Twisted Sisters". It was a behind-the-benchpress look at female bodybuilders, and for some reason, I cannot get it out of my head.

I will say, honestly, that while I absolutely appreciate the dedication and hardwork these ladies put into their sport, I don't really "get it". The things that they have to sacrifice and do to attain and maintain their looks is not for the feint of heart, or a weak bitch like me, that's for sure. I have torn a ligament in my leg trying to grab the remote with my feet because I was too lazy to get off the sofa and pick it up (okay, slight exaggeration, but you get the picture).

The ladies they interviewed were extremely honest and forthright about what goes into being a successful, competitive bodybuilder- which made the documentary that much more interesting because they didn't sugarcoat shit- and I'm sorry, it takes an extremely special person to do this stuff. Or a bunch of crazy, average ones.

More than one of the ladies said that anyone who's seriously competing and says they aren't taking anabolic steriods is lying. Even though it deepens their voices, makes their foreheads, noses, and earlobes bigger- and that these effects don't go away even when they stop taking them (yeah, ya heard me)- they still take them to bulk up.

Given that the prime age for women to compete in this sport is in her 30s and 40s, most have families of their own, or at least their own bills to pay, and you can probably guess that this isn't a moneymaking sport. One woman said that you can potentially spend thousands of dollars training for a show and if you win, you get a trophy. Since they train so hard and so often- many times all day, six days a week, they cannot hold jobs. So how do they make money? The old fashioned way in a new fashioned world.

The internet, once again, has united a troop of fetishists on a weirdly, masturbatory cyber playground and these dudes are into "muscle goddesses". The bodybuilders will do porn, nude photos, and flexing on webcams for pay-by-minute views. It seems if you can dream it, somone will strip down and do it in front of a webcam or camera. The woman pictured above, Lauren Powers, has been paid $4,000 to arm or leg wrestle fetishists in Athens and Dubai (man, there are some freaks in Dubai. I guess if you have a bazillion dollars and have nailed everyone in your palace, your interests get a little more off the beaten path). I know that everybody has to eat, but it's sad that although these women could probably kick the shit out of many of their male cyberfans, they still have to submit to their fantasies to even afford a protein shake.

So my question is, do you think female bodybuilding/ builders are sexy and if so, what about it appeals to you?

Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Cristiano Ronaldo

Greasy. Sleazy. Easy. And arguably one of the best footballers and most hated dudes to ever kick a ball for money, just in time for the World Cup, meet (if you don't already know) Cristano Ronaldo (Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro). Even though he seems to love baking in the sun until he's the color of an eggplant, and appears to use so many body and hair care products that he looks like he'd slide right out of a hooker's arms, Cristiano is hot. Sorry.

Born February 5, 1985 in Funchal, Madeira, Portugal- this 6"1 forward for Spanish club Real Madrid is also the captain of the Portuguese national team. Oh, and his hot 25-year-old ass is also the (believed to be) highest-paid football player in the world. Perhaps that's why there's a hateronaldo.com website, I Hate Cristiano Ronaldo facebook page, and countless blogs doggin' him out: Chicks wanna do him and dudes (though they would never admit it) want to be him.

Even though he could probably get with any woman in the world he wanted, much like wealthy men who have come before him and those will surely come after him, Cristiano has a predilection for the ladies who turn illusions for money. And much like those aforementioned men, his "does your vagina take debit cards" peen has gotten him in some shit. In 2007, when he was still playing for Manchester United, he and some of his teammates decided it would be a good idea to have a sexy party with some "sexually indiscriminate, used for yard work" kind of girls ("What is a ho, Alex?"). They paid for the girls to come over, but not much evidently because they ended up with some bitter, busted lookin', chatty hos who were happy to sell their story to the tabloids after Crissy and his teammates treated them with "such little respect" (I don't know ho etiquette, but I am assuming that means they didn't get paid well). The puritanical American family who had recently bought the team was pissed, and so in an effort to do some damage control and make the ladies who love him forget he's a dirty leg, this picture somehow found its way onto the internet a few days later (minus the "yum"):

Since that time, his autobiography called "Moments" has been published, he opened a clothing store with his sister called CR7, and Emporio Armani says that he will replace David Beckham as the spokesmodel for men's underwear and jeans. He's still making dirty with the ladies, most recently & famously (reputedly): Kim Kardashian. And he's still pretty to look at.

You're welcome.

If You Build It, They Will Come (Evidently)

OK, boys and girls- I think that we have officially "gone too far" as our parents, teachers, or other adults have told us all at one point or another:

No, you're not looking at a still from the remake of the "Other Sister"- say hello to Roxxxy (clever, no?) and her inventor, Douglas Hines. Roxxxy is 5 foot 7, 120 pounds of hypoallergenic silicone molded over a rigid skeleton. That's right, bitches- Roxxxy is a talking sex robot & for a mere $7,000, she can be yours.

Hines, a self-professed happily married man (I would love to hear what the wife says about that), spent more than three years developing the robot. "She doesn't vacuum or cook, but she does almost everything else," Hines quipped. Ha, ha.

There's a motor in her chest that pumps heated air through a tube that keeps her warm to the touch, she has sensors in her hands and genital areas, and she shudders to simulate orgasm.

Hines says that his customer base is dorky-ass or old-ass dudes who can't get laid (okay, I paraphrased, but I'm betting that's what he meant). To make them feel less like Freaky McWeirdo, who's got a permanent restraining order filed mentally by women and children everywhere, Roxxxy has different dialouges, she talks in her sleep, and she even snores. "She's a real girl," he cried.

Here's an idea, take the $7,000 and invest in some intense self-help tools. Seriously. Because if a dude is creepy and doesn't know how to talk to women- or he's uncomfortable with a woman, that's one thing- there's help if they want to search for it.

But, as we all know, a lot of men who can't relate to women dehumanize us in insidious and violent ways, which makes for great episodes of "Forensic Files", "Dateline", and "The First 48"; but a good date? Not so much. It's really frightening to think of what these Ted Bundy reduxs will do when they think that human females aren't.

To see the full article and terrify yourself a bit click here.

Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Jason Momoa (Original Posting)

If you're like me and never watched Baywatch Hawaii (I know, I know- how on earth did we miss that?) or Stargate Atlantis- let me introduce you to Jason Momoa. Physically, he's just a dude on a stick, right? He's also been cast as the lead in the new Conan the Barbarian movie scheduled for release in 2011, and he's the father of Lisa Bonet's youngest daughter and son, as well as still being her hot piece. (The word on the street is that Jason was set to marry an Aussie actress he'd been dating for seven years, Simmone Jade MacKinnon, when Lisa's uterus trumped her ass and Baby Lola moved in for 9 months.)

Jason was born in Honolulu, HI on August 1, 1979, but raised in Iowa. (And yes, he's going to be 31 this year. I am scared of Ms. Cougar Bonet, okay? She must've pushed him off of his Big Wheel straight into her bed.) His father was a Native Hawaiian and it sounds like his mother was everything else.

In 1998 Jason returned to Hawaii and was discovered by the designer Takeo- thus beginning his modeling career. He must've been the hardest workin' ho on the islands because in 1999 he won Hawaii's Model of the Year, and hasn't looked back since career-wise.

Speaking of actin' a ho, in November of 2008 Jason was at a bar in West Hollywood (when he probably should've been home with his then eight-months-pregnant partner), and got into an argument with some dude. The dude evidently tried to make the work of art that is Jason's face into a Piccaso and Jason had to have 140 stitches and some plastic surgery to bring all that pretty back. The culprit, said to be named Dominic Bando, reportedly was facing up to 7 years for the altercation. He should've gotten that automatically for trying to jack up something so gorgeous, and then time on top of it for the malice behind the act.


I'm sure that as we get closer to the new Conan being released there will be pictures and info galore about Mr. Momoa. For now, enjoy these few.





You're welcome.

Ten Things You Didn't Know about Orchids (& I Didn't Either)

I have been having a love affair of late with orchids: the coloring, the yoni resemblance, and the beauty of their unique design. I realized, however, that I don't know much about these flowers, so I took it upon myself to do some research. I found out some interesting things about orchids, and let's be honest- what's knowledge without sharing it with others so they know how smart you are? Hopefully this list will come in handy if you're playing a trivia game, trying to impress a horticulturist (hell, I'm impressed if you know a horticulturist), or if you are held at gunpoint and forced to tell the most innocuous/useless bit of information you have stored in your grey matter:

1. The name orchid comes from the Greek root "orkis" meaning "testicle".

2. Hummingbirds are not attracted to orchids.

3. Vanilla is the only comestible orchid and the vanilla stick is the fermented and blackened pod of an orchid.

4. There are roughly 35,000 species of orchids in the world.

5. The movie Adaptation was based on the Susan Orlean book The Orchid Thief.

6. Moyobamba, Peru is known as the "City of Orchids" because there are about 3,500 species of orchid native to the area.

7. Orchids are one of the oldest plant families dating from the dinosaur era.

8. Many people who collect orchids have an orchid heir in their wills because they know the plants will outlast them.

9. Vanilla comes from the Spanish word "vainilla" meaning "little pod".

10. Until the beginning of the 20th century, orchids couldn't be cultivated from seeds.

You're welcome!