I should’ve known that something was going on- I wore red
shirts to work twice during the week with lipstick to match- and I never do that. Not that I can’t pull it off, at least I can
in my mind, but I normally feel as though I am drawing too much attention to
myself. Then, when I got home, I
subconsciously decided that I wanted see some dudes muggin’ down when I
consciously started perusing Netflix for gay- themed movies to stream. I wasn’t looking for porn- some hot dudes, PG-13
sexual situations, an actual story, and my imagination would do. I was feeling a little voyeuristic and I
needed to act on that. Everyone reading
this probably realized that I was ovulating, but I didn’t. Not until I had chosen a movie, watched it,
and wondered if my special area was broken for my lack of grown woman response
to the beautiful star.
The movie I chose to watch was called David’s Birthday, and I am not going to lie to you kids, I chose it
because this man in the picture on the synopsis page was simply
breathtaking. I immediately found out
that the 6”1 ½, tawny-skinned, green-eyed Brazilian model/actor was named Thyago
Alves. He was so good looking in this
movie I wanted to fly to Brazil and shake hands with his parents, grandparents,
and anyone else who had a hand (or other body parts) in bringing this
Michelangelian creation to life.
Seriously, the movie was originally called Il Compleanno, but I am willing to guess when the production team
saw all of Thyago’s immeasurable beauty on the screen, they also saw the
unquestionable resemblance between him and that statute and changed the name of
the movie to be more fitting. I
would’ve. A model named Cameron Russell
recently said that she is the winner of the genetic lottery because she is
tall, fair, and pretty. All I know is that if she is the winner of said
lottery, then Thyago Alves is the winner of the genetic Powerball.
The weird thing was though, as beautiful as I found Thyago
to be in that movie- seriously, I could write a whole thesis about how his face
is the golden ratio personified- it wasn’t a sexual appeal (and I’m sure he’ll
be so sad to know that). His beauty is
androgynous to me with a whispered kiss of masculinity. Obviously, he’s a man- there’s no question
about that, but his is a delicate, almost feminine look and while I can
appreciate it and be so awed by it that it makes me cry a little bit, I don’t
want to hit it.
Then I remembered the studies that I read about that have
determined that many women prefer men with more feminine shaped faces and
darker skin when we’re not ovulating, however, we want more “manly” men when
we’re fertile. I had never experienced
such concrete evidence within and about myself until I watched this movie. Even though things weren’t getting erect or
saturated for Thyago, I still sat through that whole flick with drool on my
chin and my hand in my pants. Why?
Because of the man who played his father, his co-star, Alessandro Gassman.
This motherkisser made me feel funny for
realsies. He’s good looking to be sure,
but he’s not Thyago good looking (who is?) He’s tall as hell, but he’s got a rather
long, equine-like face, big ass teeth, and I would happily have this man throw
me onto a pile of furs (from the animals he hunted and killed obviously) and
make me happy that he was a man and I was not.
There’s something about him that just screams that he doesn’t bruise
easily and that he would bite you. He
seems to bleed masculinity and in a different time in our human history, even
though I would worry that he might eat our babies, I would risk it because I’d want
to have a Cro-Magnon Alessandro’s aggressive, potentially long living children. Of course I would want an Early Modern Human Thyago
to raise them, but that’s a whole different sexy fictional science piece that I should write for Hardwired to be a Ho,
a journal of human sexuality for grownups that I created in my head which uses
tawdry sexual interludes to help explain human reproductive evolution and
desire.
