Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Idris Elba

I am so glad that Idris Elba is finally getting the recognition that he deserves. Not only because he has worked so hard and persevered for so long to get where he is now, but because up until very recently, it was probably easier to find Plutonium on the internet than information about this beautiful effin' man.  I know he has a Facebook page and his DJ Driis website, and even though the former gives some great shots of him and the latter is about the music, neither one really tells you about Idris.  He probably doesn't want the streets knowing all his business, which I understand, but I will share with y'all the scant bit I've found:

-He was born Idrissa Akuna Elba on September 6th, 1972 in Hackney, London, England to a father from Sierra Leone and a mother from Ghana. Happy Belated birthday to this Virgo/ Rat (I think he's our 1st rat for Hot with a Chance...) who just turned 42.  I don't mean this bitchy at all, but I was really surprised to find out he's only just turning 42.  He said in one interview that he was tall, extremely fit, and able to grow beard when he was 15 (I wonder how many bitches would’ve been featured on "To Catch a Predator" if he were 15 now.  I mean besides me.), so I guess he's just one of those dudes who had his magical summer at an early age and manned up (physically) faster than most after that.  And once you get grown man and start oozing dude and sweating masculinity, that shit doesn't leave you.  Idris could make lipstick and a purse butch.  It’s been my experience that men who mature physically at an earlier age (with the body hair and the bulk), often seem older than they are- though no less physically arresting- and come across as total daddies for life.  And I, like so many of my gay brothers, am totally okay with that. 

-He is father to his 17-year-old daughter Isan.  Isan is the product of this twice divorced sweet-lipped looking thespian's (and I don't mean a lesbian with a lisp) first marriage to Dowmovwa Sherman.  His second marriage to Kim Elba, which ended in 2003, yielded no children.  Rollingout.com, via bossip.com, reported a few months ago that Idris fathered a child with dancer Desiree Newberry after meeting her at the notorious Magic City strip club in Atlanta.  The snippet says that Idris took her to live with him in Miami, but that they broke up after the baby was born.  I am having a hard time believing any of this story because I haven’t found it anywhere else, and the writing is so sloppy, it’s hard for me to trust the reporting.  They first claim that Idris and this woman had a girl together, and then at the end said it was a boy.  There were only 3 sentences in the blurb.

-He is an award-winning actor as well as being a singer, a rapper, producer, DJ, and the basis for lots and lots of dirty dreams.  He's been in too many movies and TV shows to list, but I am particularly excited that Daniel Craig and some of the film producers want Idris to be the next James Bond. Omigoddess! I would feel funny- that weird vibrating buzz you feel sometimes when you are watching a sexy man- if I were to see Idris as Bond, James Bond.  And I am sure I wouldn't be the only hooka in the theatre badly concealing a pocket rocket.  Hell, that would give flash mob a whole new meaning for real. 

I think that it’s so easy for me to see Elba as Bond because he comes across as being a consummate male.  He seems as though he would be as equally comfortable hobnobbing with heads of state and royalty as he would be in a street fight.  In fact, there doesn’t seem to be a lot that Idris can’t do, and we’d all probably say yes to most of it.  He appears to be the type of man who would pick wild flowers and bring them to you for no reason, cry at sad movies, and then turn around and break the shit out of your headboard taking you to dizzying heights of ecstasy.

According to Wikipedia, Mr. Elba will next be seen in “Thor: The Dark World” and then playing Nelson Mandela in the biopic “Mandela: The Long Walk to Freedom”.  I would also like to see him and Colin Farrell in “Black Pudding”, which is a homoerotic fantasy I’ll be having tonight about two straight men who are drawn together, but also want some creamy chocolate sweetness (me) to go with that sausage.

Ovulating Women and Pretty Boys

I should’ve known that something was going on- I wore red shirts to work twice during the week with lipstick to match- and I never do that.  Not that I can’t pull it off, at least I can in my mind, but I normally feel as though I am drawing too much attention to myself.  Then, when I got home, I subconsciously decided that I wanted see some dudes muggin’ down when I consciously started perusing Netflix for gay- themed movies to stream.  I wasn’t looking for porn- some hot dudes, PG-13 sexual situations, an actual story, and my imagination would do.  I was feeling a little voyeuristic and I needed to act on that.  Everyone reading this probably realized that I was ovulating, but I didn’t.  Not until I had chosen a movie, watched it, and wondered if my special area was broken for my lack of grown woman response to the beautiful star.

The movie I chose to watch was called David’s Birthday, and I am not going to lie to you kids, I chose it because this man in the picture on the synopsis page was simply breathtaking.  I immediately found out that the 6”1 ½, tawny-skinned, green-eyed Brazilian model/actor was named Thyago Alves.  He was so good looking in this movie I wanted to fly to Brazil and shake hands with his parents, grandparents, and anyone else who had a hand (or other body parts) in bringing this Michelangelian creation to life.  Seriously, the movie was originally called Il Compleanno, but I am willing to guess when the production team saw all of Thyago’s immeasurable beauty on the screen, they also saw the unquestionable resemblance between him and that statute and changed the name of the movie to be more fitting.  I would’ve.  A model named Cameron Russell recently said that she is the winner of the genetic lottery because she is tall, fair, and pretty. All I know is that if she is the winner of said lottery, then Thyago Alves is the winner of the genetic Powerball. 

The weird thing was though, as beautiful as I found Thyago to be in that movie- seriously, I could write a whole thesis about how his face is the golden ratio personified- it wasn’t a sexual appeal (and I’m sure he’ll be so sad to know that).  His beauty is androgynous to me with a whispered kiss of masculinity.  Obviously, he’s a man- there’s no question about that, but his is a delicate, almost feminine look and while I can appreciate it and be so awed by it that it makes me cry a little bit, I don’t want to hit it.

Then I remembered the studies that I read about that have determined that many women prefer men with more feminine shaped faces and darker skin when we’re not ovulating, however, we want more “manly” men when we’re fertile.  I had never experienced such concrete evidence within and about myself until I watched this movie.  Even though things weren’t getting erect or saturated for Thyago, I still sat through that whole flick with drool on my chin and my hand in my pants.  Why? Because of the man who played his father, his co-star, Alessandro Gassman.  

This motherkisser made me feel funny for realsies.  He’s good looking to be sure, but he’s not Thyago good looking (who is?)  He’s tall as hell, but he’s got a rather long, equine-like face, big ass teeth, and I would happily have this man throw me onto a pile of furs (from the animals he hunted and killed obviously) and make me happy that he was a man and I was not.  There’s something about him that just screams that he doesn’t bruise easily and that he would bite you.  He seems to bleed masculinity and in a different time in our human history, even though I would worry that he might eat our babies, I would risk it because I’d want to have a Cro-Magnon Alessandro’s aggressive, potentially long living children.  Of course I would want an Early Modern Human Thyago to raise them, but that’s a whole different sexy fictional science piece that I should write for Hardwired to be a Ho, a journal of human sexuality for grownups that I created in my head which uses tawdry sexual interludes to help explain human reproductive evolution and desire.