Ovulating Women and Pretty Boys

I should’ve known that something was going on- I wore red shirts to work twice during the week with lipstick to match- and I never do that.  Not that I can’t pull it off, at least I can in my mind, but I normally feel as though I am drawing too much attention to myself.  Then, when I got home, I subconsciously decided that I wanted see some dudes muggin’ down when I consciously started perusing Netflix for gay- themed movies to stream.  I wasn’t looking for porn- some hot dudes, PG-13 sexual situations, an actual story, and my imagination would do.  I was feeling a little voyeuristic and I needed to act on that.  Everyone reading this probably realized that I was ovulating, but I didn’t.  Not until I had chosen a movie, watched it, and wondered if my special area was broken for my lack of grown woman response to the beautiful star.

The movie I chose to watch was called David’s Birthday, and I am not going to lie to you kids, I chose it because this man in the picture on the synopsis page was simply breathtaking.  I immediately found out that the 6”1 ½, tawny-skinned, green-eyed Brazilian model/actor was named Thyago Alves.  He was so good looking in this movie I wanted to fly to Brazil and shake hands with his parents, grandparents, and anyone else who had a hand (or other body parts) in bringing this Michelangelian creation to life.  Seriously, the movie was originally called Il Compleanno, but I am willing to guess when the production team saw all of Thyago’s immeasurable beauty on the screen, they also saw the unquestionable resemblance between him and that statute and changed the name of the movie to be more fitting.  I would’ve.  A model named Cameron Russell recently said that she is the winner of the genetic lottery because she is tall, fair, and pretty. All I know is that if she is the winner of said lottery, then Thyago Alves is the winner of the genetic Powerball. 

The weird thing was though, as beautiful as I found Thyago to be in that movie- seriously, I could write a whole thesis about how his face is the golden ratio personified- it wasn’t a sexual appeal (and I’m sure he’ll be so sad to know that).  His beauty is androgynous to me with a whispered kiss of masculinity.  Obviously, he’s a man- there’s no question about that, but his is a delicate, almost feminine look and while I can appreciate it and be so awed by it that it makes me cry a little bit, I don’t want to hit it.

Then I remembered the studies that I read about that have determined that many women prefer men with more feminine shaped faces and darker skin when we’re not ovulating, however, we want more “manly” men when we’re fertile.  I had never experienced such concrete evidence within and about myself until I watched this movie.  Even though things weren’t getting erect or saturated for Thyago, I still sat through that whole flick with drool on my chin and my hand in my pants.  Why? Because of the man who played his father, his co-star, Alessandro Gassman.  

This motherkisser made me feel funny for realsies.  He’s good looking to be sure, but he’s not Thyago good looking (who is?)  He’s tall as hell, but he’s got a rather long, equine-like face, big ass teeth, and I would happily have this man throw me onto a pile of furs (from the animals he hunted and killed obviously) and make me happy that he was a man and I was not.  There’s something about him that just screams that he doesn’t bruise easily and that he would bite you.  He seems to bleed masculinity and in a different time in our human history, even though I would worry that he might eat our babies, I would risk it because I’d want to have a Cro-Magnon Alessandro’s aggressive, potentially long living children.  Of course I would want an Early Modern Human Thyago to raise them, but that’s a whole different sexy fictional science piece that I should write for Hardwired to be a Ho, a journal of human sexuality for grownups that I created in my head which uses tawdry sexual interludes to help explain human reproductive evolution and desire.

Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Chris Tamburello

All this time I have been yammering on about how much I love my reality shows, and it dawned on me recently that I have never done a single Hot Forecast on any reality show contestants. What?! How is that possible? Oh, yeah- there aren't a lot of hot dudes on the reality shows that I tend to watch. OK- that's not entirely true. Sometimes when you've eaten a loaded lemon bar and consumed a bottle of wine, you look at your television through the appropriately hooded eyes and think, "Damn! He's hot." But then you sober up and realize he ain't all that. Or, if he is really hot, you learn more about his dickish television personality, and that minute you wanted to jump his cock quickly passes.

I have realized in time, however, in the world of my reality shows, that a person can come back to television enough times that you develop a "through the television" (TTT) relationship. It's like in relationships in real life- sometimes you love him to death, and other times you want to kick his cock off- except you only know the bits of him that didn't wind up on the editing room floor, and he doesn't know you exist at all.

All that being said, let me introduce you to my TTT manchild- CT- Chris Tamburello. We first met CT on the Real World: Paris, and while I initially thought he was cute- just a big ole dude on a stick- I could also tell there was something a little off with this kid. He revealed himself to be funny, yet shady at times- and that was fine. But then, toward the end of the season, when this Cancer Monkey (7-16-80) got all chimpanzee mean and totally aggressed his friend Adam (a much smaller dude than him) the alert was sounded. It was basically a test- but I knew that "code- red-not- a- drill" was coming.

MTV had already begun the Challenges, and given CT's physique & physical prowess, that one of his personalities was really funny, and that he had an amazing face, I knew I would see him again. And I'm sure that he participated in Challenges, but the first one in which he really stood out for me was The Duel. Watching him fall for cancer survivor Diem Brown was the highlight of the season for me, and I loved him for being so gentle and patient with her. And, yes, I would agree it was a groovy kind of love.

But in the following Challenge, Inferno 3, his brain started bleeding Jose Cuervo or something, because he lost his effin' mind on the first night and for reasons I don't think I fully understood at the time or remember all these years later, attacked Davis from RW: Denver and dotted his eye with some knuckles. Huh?! Where is gentle-loving-Diem- CT? Who is this kid attacking (once again) a dude so much smaller than him? And why would you fly 30-something-hours to South Africa to get drunk, attack, and get plunked right back down on a return trip? I know there are bars closer to his house in which he could've performed this tomfoolery.

Then came The Duel 2 in Brazil where CT busted out his PhD in Psycho and proved that there wasn't a bitch in the cast who could come close to that level of deranged. Ever. He looked sanity in the eye, slapped it away, and said, "Bitch, I ain't the one." In a nutshell, this nut and Diem had broken up, but when he zoo/prison-banged Shauvon from RW: Sidney outside in the yard, Diem clocked him on it- and he again came after Adam because he thought Adam dogged him out by telling Diem. How CT avoided prosecution for an attack so violent it almost looked like an episode of When Animals Attack is beyond me, but when MTV sent him packing that same first night, I thought that the last time I was ever gonna see my TTT manchild again- and I was okay with that. When we found out later than his brother had been murdered before the Challenge started, it made his rage more understandable, but certainly not excusable.

Well, obviously it was excusable to MTV, because they gave CT an audience test-drive for a single Challenge: Cutthroat Gulag competition in 2010. I guess his reviews must've been good because they brought him back to the Challenge: Rivals the next season where he was paired with (you guessed it) Adam. Though they didn't win, I loved CT again because he was totally supporting Adam (in front of the cameras anyway) and literally tried to carry him over the finish line in their last competition.

His crazy beautifully competitive ass is back for this season's Challenge: Battle of the Exes with Diem. We'll see which CT crosses the finish line this time. Oh, and just a little incentive for CT to quit threatening to smash a bitch's head "and eat it!" in the Challenges: He and Kenny S. "Mr. Beautiful" (self-proclaimed) have both competed in 8 challenges. Kenny has banked $273,997. CT? $21,000.

Stop beatin' asses, CT, and start kickin' some.

Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Cristiano Ronaldo

Greasy. Sleazy. Easy. And arguably one of the best footballers and most hated dudes to ever kick a ball for money, just in time for the World Cup, meet (if you don't already know) Cristano Ronaldo (Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro). Even though he seems to love baking in the sun until he's the color of an eggplant, and appears to use so many body and hair care products that he looks like he'd slide right out of a hooker's arms, Cristiano is hot. Sorry.

Born February 5, 1985 in Funchal, Madeira, Portugal- this 6"1 forward for Spanish club Real Madrid is also the captain of the Portuguese national team. Oh, and his hot 25-year-old ass is also the (believed to be) highest-paid football player in the world. Perhaps that's why there's a hateronaldo.com website, I Hate Cristiano Ronaldo facebook page, and countless blogs doggin' him out: Chicks wanna do him and dudes (though they would never admit it) want to be him.

Even though he could probably get with any woman in the world he wanted, much like wealthy men who have come before him and those will surely come after him, Cristiano has a predilection for the ladies who turn illusions for money. And much like those aforementioned men, his "does your vagina take debit cards" peen has gotten him in some shit. In 2007, when he was still playing for Manchester United, he and some of his teammates decided it would be a good idea to have a sexy party with some "sexually indiscriminate, used for yard work" kind of girls ("What is a ho, Alex?"). They paid for the girls to come over, but not much evidently because they ended up with some bitter, busted lookin', chatty hos who were happy to sell their story to the tabloids after Crissy and his teammates treated them with "such little respect" (I don't know ho etiquette, but I am assuming that means they didn't get paid well). The puritanical American family who had recently bought the team was pissed, and so in an effort to do some damage control and make the ladies who love him forget he's a dirty leg, this picture somehow found its way onto the internet a few days later (minus the "yum"):

Since that time, his autobiography called "Moments" has been published, he opened a clothing store with his sister called CR7, and Emporio Armani says that he will replace David Beckham as the spokesmodel for men's underwear and jeans. He's still making dirty with the ladies, most recently & famously (reputedly): Kim Kardashian. And he's still pretty to look at.

You're welcome.