What the Week?! Ending 11/2/13

Kanye West (of Sanity) and Kim K are suing because their private, intimate proposal at AT&T Park in SF in front of family and the crew filming it all for their reality show was leaked online; thus besmirching the sanctity of the hallowed occasion… oh lord, even my fingers are laughing at that last line.  Anyway, these 2 greedy, soulless, megalomaniacs are mad because they won’t get as much money now from the network that produces their PBS-esque “Keeping up with the Kardashians” when that rat pail of a show comes back for another season.  If you can reach down deep enough into your soul to find the strength to give a shit, you can read the article here.

In other not-news news, Justin Bieber was “caught” coming out of a whorehouse in Rio.  I say “caught” because his security team draped him in a bed sheet and “slipped” him out- while allegedly spraying the paps with water.  Either they wanted him to be seen or he has the dumbest security/PR team ever known to celebs because last time I checked limo/Escalades, burly body guards, and bed sheets draped over tiny elfish tweens don’t scream “incognito”.  Put on a hat, change your shoes, put on a shirt to hide your tats, and lose the 30 man security team outside the establishment.  There.  I just snuck Beibs out of a whorehouse. You can see this foolery here.

And finally, embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has promised to stop getting “hammered” in public. Even though Marion Berry 2.0 hasn’t copped to smoking crack in the video where he is seen smoking crack, I like it when politicians agree to stop getting snot slinging drunk and cruising city hall in the early morning hours with open containers, swearing at their aides.  It’s responsibility.  It’s self growth.  Ford swears that not only will he not step down, he will run again in the election next year.  There is no tenacity like drunken tenacity, I will give him that.  You know he’s gonna stick to that mantra until the daisy chain of prostitutes start scurrying out of the alleys telling the rest of this sordid tale. And five will get you ten that mess (or something like it) is coming. Click here for story.

What the Week?!

Hilarity decided to dress up for Halloween early this year, and it came as this video from a Kuwaiti soccer match.  The referee made a call that the players didn’t agree with and forgetting all of their anti-bullying PSAs, decided to surround him and intimidate him into changing his mind. Unbeknownst to them, this referee has been dreaming of this moment since he picked up a whistle and put on that yellow shirt - bitch was ready.

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sdbmmhHH5I

      Also, Chris Brown was arrested and charged with felony assault early Sunday morning in DC.  In other shocking celebrity news, Miley Cyrus stuck out her tongue.  As though the world didn’t already know what a douche he is, Brown kicked it up a cheesy notch by reportedly saying to the assault victim before hitting him, “I’m not down with that gay shit, I feel like boxing.”  I hope he remembers to tell that to his cellmate when he finally meets up with a judge who ain’t afraid to snatch the get- out- of- jail- free card that keeps magically appearing every time he goes to court. 
   
  http://www.tmz.com/2013/10/27/chris-brown-arrested-felony-assault-washington-dc/

 

      And finally, I saw this and it just made me smile.  No one famous, nothing salacious- just a dude cuttin' up at work, showing off some mad dancing skills that you know he perfected in the 80s and has been waiting to show off to the "youngsters" because "twerkin' ain't got shit on this old school style".

  http://dlisted.com/2013/10/28/hot-slut-of-the-day-129/

Marcus What (the Schekenburg) Happened?

Marcus Schekenburg does more before 9AM than I have done my whole life. Seriously, dude is a model, author, actor, singer, polyglot who speaks 5 languages, product endorser, & TV character-inspirer (supposedly he was the basis for Smith Jerrod on Sex in the City)- so I am not trying to front or hate (you know with that preface some shit is gonna be flushing out of my mouth now) but what happened to him? 

He's not a monster- it's not like he has "Rourked" his face- but he just looks so different than his glory days of the 90s.  We all age and sometimes life goes in on us, so it's not graceful-  I get that. But this doesn't even look like the same person. 

I guess the problem is that his body was so shredded, his mane of hair just begged to knotted in a bitch's hand, and his face was so gorgeous you weren't sure whether to thank his parents or slap them for hoggin' all the pretty genes. And no one can maintain that level of beauty for long, especially not if you want to accomplish half of the other things he has in life.

Instead of being a dick about the normal looking man he has become, or celebrating the dude who left me with a lifetime of delicious visuals from the 90s, I am gonna give this cat big ups for doing himself a solid and being smart enough to have 10,000 back ups after modeling stopped paying the bills.

Hunnam Throws Shade at 50 Shades

I just saw that Charlie Hunnam has dropped out of the cast of 50 Shades of Lame. In other shocking news, the sun rose in the east this morning.  First off, Charlie had to realize that he wasn't a great choice as Christian Grey if E.L. James originally wanted that "twipire" (Robert Pattinson) to play him- that's like ordering an Appletini and getting a double shot of whiskey in a kinda dirty glass. Secondly, Hunnam probably actually picked up the book for the first time, read some of that drivel, and decided that they weren't paying him enough to sell his thespian soul.  And finally, can you imagine the shit that kid would have taken walking onto the set of Sons of Anarchy if they were still shooting when that movie was released? I'm sure he did and when he combined that with the thought of winning his first Razzie, he called E.L. James directly and (without even identifying himself) just said, "Bye, bitch."  

Unfortunately he wouldn't have looked like this in the movie anyway, so enjoy the hot.

Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Greg Wise

At this time last Saturday, I didn't even know that Greg Wise existed. Now 128 hours later, I am completely in love with this man's face and I cannot stop looking at him. I don't know anything about him except he's a 47-year-old actor (5/15/66; Taurus/Horse), he's married to Emma Thompson, and he has beautiful eyes like Colin Farrell. 

I know it's ridiculous to attribute traits of one man to another just because he has the same beautiful, shining, deeper than Lake Baikal eyes- but I can't help myself:  Something about those eyes just reach into my spirit and touch my soul.  Those eyes are such a dichotomy in their innocent sagacity and their solemn gaiety- they seem as though they have seen everything of all times, but still love the newness of each sunrise.

See?  This is how bitches get hatchets in their skulls:  Thinking that a dude will be nice because he looks like someone from your past who was nice. Or like some movie star that you wanna have sex with. If I were murdered and they were able to find enough of my body to cremate me, my relatives could tell the cops and then etch into my urn, "He probably had eyes like Colin Farrell."

To find out more about Greg, you can check out his Wikipedia page, or for a more fun, salacious story, you can read about him meeting Emma, the ensuing love triangle, and a white witch here.

Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Idris Elba

I am so glad that Idris Elba is finally getting the recognition that he deserves. Not only because he has worked so hard and persevered for so long to get where he is now, but because up until very recently, it was probably easier to find Plutonium on the internet than information about this beautiful effin' man.  I know he has a Facebook page and his DJ Driis website, and even though the former gives some great shots of him and the latter is about the music, neither one really tells you about Idris.  He probably doesn't want the streets knowing all his business, which I understand, but I will share with y'all the scant bit I've found:

-He was born Idrissa Akuna Elba on September 6th, 1972 in Hackney, London, England to a father from Sierra Leone and a mother from Ghana. Happy Belated birthday to this Virgo/ Rat (I think he's our 1st rat for Hot with a Chance...) who just turned 42.  I don't mean this bitchy at all, but I was really surprised to find out he's only just turning 42.  He said in one interview that he was tall, extremely fit, and able to grow beard when he was 15 (I wonder how many bitches would’ve been featured on "To Catch a Predator" if he were 15 now.  I mean besides me.), so I guess he's just one of those dudes who had his magical summer at an early age and manned up (physically) faster than most after that.  And once you get grown man and start oozing dude and sweating masculinity, that shit doesn't leave you.  Idris could make lipstick and a purse butch.  It’s been my experience that men who mature physically at an earlier age (with the body hair and the bulk), often seem older than they are- though no less physically arresting- and come across as total daddies for life.  And I, like so many of my gay brothers, am totally okay with that. 

-He is father to his 17-year-old daughter Isan.  Isan is the product of this twice divorced sweet-lipped looking thespian's (and I don't mean a lesbian with a lisp) first marriage to Dowmovwa Sherman.  His second marriage to Kim Elba, which ended in 2003, yielded no children.  Rollingout.com, via bossip.com, reported a few months ago that Idris fathered a child with dancer Desiree Newberry after meeting her at the notorious Magic City strip club in Atlanta.  The snippet says that Idris took her to live with him in Miami, but that they broke up after the baby was born.  I am having a hard time believing any of this story because I haven’t found it anywhere else, and the writing is so sloppy, it’s hard for me to trust the reporting.  They first claim that Idris and this woman had a girl together, and then at the end said it was a boy.  There were only 3 sentences in the blurb.

-He is an award-winning actor as well as being a singer, a rapper, producer, DJ, and the basis for lots and lots of dirty dreams.  He's been in too many movies and TV shows to list, but I am particularly excited that Daniel Craig and some of the film producers want Idris to be the next James Bond. Omigoddess! I would feel funny- that weird vibrating buzz you feel sometimes when you are watching a sexy man- if I were to see Idris as Bond, James Bond.  And I am sure I wouldn't be the only hooka in the theatre badly concealing a pocket rocket.  Hell, that would give flash mob a whole new meaning for real. 

I think that it’s so easy for me to see Elba as Bond because he comes across as being a consummate male.  He seems as though he would be as equally comfortable hobnobbing with heads of state and royalty as he would be in a street fight.  In fact, there doesn’t seem to be a lot that Idris can’t do, and we’d all probably say yes to most of it.  He appears to be the type of man who would pick wild flowers and bring them to you for no reason, cry at sad movies, and then turn around and break the shit out of your headboard taking you to dizzying heights of ecstasy.

According to Wikipedia, Mr. Elba will next be seen in “Thor: The Dark World” and then playing Nelson Mandela in the biopic “Mandela: The Long Walk to Freedom”.  I would also like to see him and Colin Farrell in “Black Pudding”, which is a homoerotic fantasy I’ll be having tonight about two straight men who are drawn together, but also want some creamy chocolate sweetness (me) to go with that sausage.

Robin Thicke in the Head

I am convinced that Robin Thicke has good and truly lost his damn mind.  The streets have been sayin’ for a while that his nose is having a love affair with booga sugah, and his behavior lately is making me think that’s true.  Even though I couldn’t bring myself to watch the VMAs and his molestation of the Tongue Chipmunk (it’s a species now), Miley Cyrus, I have seen the stills and like his mother Gloria Loring, “I can’t unsee it”.  And now this.  Really, Robin? Are you seriously that in it that you forget mirrors aren’t just for cutting the good shit- that they reflect things?  Things that make us wonder, are you a singer or a proctologist?

While I am not a huge Robin Thicke fan, I have liked him ever since I fell in love with “When I Get You Alone” back in 2002.  I appreciate his tenacity in staying in the industry for so long, and yes, I love that he and Paula Patton have been together since he was 16.  I don’t know who he’s listening to or what he thinks he’s doing, but he needs to stop this foolery now before he loses everything that he has worked so hard to attain.  He's only had this international notoriety for a hot minute, I'd hate to see him immediately burn through it. Supposedly Paula is really cool and they have a rather open thing going on (again, that’s from the streets and not a reliable source), but enough is enough.  While she may be mixed with a multitude of ethnicities, she is still black enough to slap his face off his face if he keeps up with this messiness, and he would want to remember that.  “Paging Dr. Seaver, paging Dr. Jason Seaver. You need to come get your son, stat!”

Stir Up the Campbell? No, Y'all, La Sopa is Good

When I younger, I didn’t like Naomi Campbell because she always seemed like the perennial mean girl.  Although I’m sure she is definitely still the HBIC (head bitch in charge) of any group she rolls with, I understand better why.  Surely she was born a bad ass, but being a dark-skinned sista coming up in the modeling world when she did and to achieve what she has, she had to develop a super thick skin and a sharper tongue. She also had to know when to slam her foot down and when to raise it up to kick someone’s ass (literally and figuratively).

That being said, I know that I appear rather fascinated with her lately, and I guess I am- but I am not the only one.  It seems like the media had been following La Sopa around every yacht on which she frolicks since she parted with Vlad the Model Impaler. (And I want to say quickly, I call her “La Sopa” for her last name obviously, but also because she’s hot, her body is long, lean, and fluid; and even if you don’t love her, you can totally appreciate her at certain times. So if you run into her before me, please let her know that).  Every time I check certain sites lately on the interwebs, there are pictures of Naomi splashing around in the sea, appearing to give less than a shit about Vlad and Luo Zilin.

Even though her give a fuck is deliciously broken (at least in the press) when it comes to the two aforementioned assholes, I think that the media is following her around so much, because like me, they are waiting for her to flip the bitch switch and bring back vintage, hot and fiery La Sopa:  We all keep waiting for her to come for them like they work at British Airways…or for her- cellphone and all.  We want to see her stomp onto Vlad’s yacht, catwalk on Luo’s face, and punch Vlad hard in his windpipe so he will continue to shut the eff up about the wherefores and whys of his assholery.  That would be letting them off easy because the way they dogged her out is exactly why women kill and why Investigation Discovery is one of the hottest cable channels right now.

But maybe we are all waiting in vain for La Sopa to boil over because according to an article I recently saw, this seemingly anger-managed Naomi is channeling her rage into some intense workouts.  They say the best revenge is living well, and she looks fabulous-er!  She might rent space on the runway to some of these young upstarts so they can walk behind her, but bitch still owns it.  Period. And her body is rocking so hard in her bathing suit shots she should probably take some Dramamine before she makes herself sick.

The thing that probably has me most captivated regarding Naomi in this tsunami of wrong is that we see who Vlad has already moved down to…oops. I mean, on, to. The question I’m asking is, “Who does Naomi date now?”  Once you’ve dated a billionaire, I would imagine it must be hard to go back to a simple multi-millionaire.  You don’t voluntarily go from first class to coach.  You don’t go from the Plaza to Holiday Inn Express- not on purpose any way.  Naomi the Great has conquered the Western World sexually/ romantically-so like that Alexander of old, I think she should turn toward the east.   

Seriously, bitch would want to friend up Janet Jackson for realsies.  That hooka didn’t do too shabby with Wissam (less his ears) and surely he has friends or relatives that they can introduce to Naomi.  And while I don’t necessarily see her happy about the thought of wearing a hijab (or anything that covers her ridiculous body in any form),  I can imagine ten or so billion reasons for her to plaster on a fake effing smile and wear the shit out of one.  #teamnaomi #kickabitch #imnotsayingsheshouldvekilledhimbutiunderstand #slapaho #getoffmyrunway

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