Who is Christian Grey?

Let me preface this by saying I love reading trashy books.  It started in high school with V.C. Andrews, continued through college with Jackie Collins and lives today in J.R. Ward- who has made a fortune writing the same story over and over because horny dorks like me will continue to read her books. One of my weekly treats is getting the National Enquirer.  I am not a literary snob and I am not trying to front like I am.

That being said, when everyone started going on about the 50 Shades of Grey, I decided to check it out.  After the first book and a half, I realized that I refused to lose any more irretrievable moments of my life reading this drivel, and put it down.  Kudos to the author for writing it and getting it published, big ups to bitches who read it and realized that they wanted more in their sex lives, but I personally thought it was 50 Shades of Lame and I think I got a little bit dumber reading it- at least my “inner goddess” did.  Inner goddess? Barf. When I threw that mess down, I swore off anything 50 Shades related from that day forward, and I have been true to my word.  Even when I heard that they were considering that dirty hot little Ian Somerhalder and cute ass Matt Boner Bomer for the part of Christian Grey, I didn’t get excited.  I wanted to, I just couldn’t.  

But now I hear that Jason Momoa’s handcuffs have been tossed into the dungeon and I can’t stop myself from getting excited.  Hell, any woman with hormones and a vagina can’t help but get excited. That man freakin’ sweats sex.

If Jason Momoa were chosen to play Christian Grey, I would hate it because I would have to recant my 50 Shades anger-fueled rants as I would be the first person in line, on the first day, at the first showing.  And I would probably be the first hooka to get arrested by making everyone incredibly uncomfortable, annoyed, and grossed out as the buzz of my pocket rocket droned on over the words of the movie. 

I am not getting too worried about all that, though, because I strongly doubt they would choose Momoa.  He is too much man and he radiates sex like the sun does light.  There would be no uptight, “you would never guess he’s such a beast in the boudoir” like the Christian Grey you got in the books because you take one look at him and you know you would be well-laid & happily bruised after a toss with Jason.  In fact, one of the reasons his name is even being breathily whispered for this role on the interwebs is because a reporter for TMZ asked him how he keeps his shit so tight and chiseled and he nonchalantly said, “I fuck a lot.”  Christian Grey would never have said that to reporters or in front of “Miss Steele”.  Miss Steele? Barf again.

I know he would be acting and playing a role, but there are some things that just can’t be tamped down, and his overpowering sexual presence is one.  You glance at this dude out of the corner of your eye, and you know instinctively that he has examined more pussies than a veterinarian. And I am okay with that.  Even though his bodacious sexual luminance will probably be one of the main reasons he won’t be playing Christian Grey, I don’t want to live in a world where Jason Momoa isn’t fucking a lot.  That would be wrong- like the fact there’s not a 24 hour Turkish Oil Wrestling channel, or that rugby players wear clothes on the field.