I don’t drink much
anymore but I used to throw down, y’all.
I once drank a little concoction called a Flaming Dr. Pepper. There have been explosions at refineries
caused by less combustible liquids. For
the uninitiated: You drop a lit shot of
151 and Amaretto into a mug of beer, and
when it starts to foam, you gulp it down and it takes like Dr. Pepper. After about the 3rd one. Because after that 3rd one, you
could drop a lit shot of Elmer’s glue and soy sauce into a mug of dirty bath
water and it would taste like Dr. Pepper- that is how hammered those things get
you. I had 5 and forget blind drunk- I
was Helen Kellered. I couldn’t see, I
couldn’t hear, my words made no sense, “Shhhh! Listen! Did I just vomit on myself?” “9-1-1?
What does that spell?!” Evidently, that night, it spelled a trip to the Emergency Room.
Not surprisingly,
because of that night and too many others like it, my liver has turned on
me. Not only has that bitch given me the
finger, she enlisted the rest of my body to join the coup. I remember when a hangover meant I’d need
greasy ass McDonald’s for breakfast and 4 hours of sleep instead of 3. Now if I even look at hard alcohol for too
long I know that I am going to hurt so bad the next day that I will want to bring
myself up on charges.
Because of my body's rebellion, I was actually prepared to give
up booze. No, seriously, I was. But the universe, knowing I still had a little drinking to do, whispered "not yet" and led me to the holy grail of hangover cures: Pedialyte.
Who knew that a children’s oral rehydration therapy would be the magic
that allows me to continue being a goddess who bar hops?
 |
| Pedialyte comes in various flavors as well as a powder form. |
Why is it such a good
hang over remedy? According to
Wikipedia, Pedialyte has less sugar but more sodium and potassium that
Gatorade. In fact, the same Wikipedia
article states that some athletes are now using Pedialyte as a hydration
alternative to sports drinks. After a
night of consuming no-no juice I drink two glasses of plain Pedialyte on the
rocks (don’t think it would taste very good warm), pop a couple of Advil, and
then I lay me down to sleep. I not
saying that this pediatric ambrosia is going to confer immortality upon those who
imbibe, but it definitely helps my big ass get up the next day and function like
normal human instead of lying there like a bump on a nauseous, head pounding,
death-wishing log.
On a final note
(because I know you’re so curious), even though I found this remedy, I am still
keeping the drinking on the calm down.
Not only did the right to use the southern girl mating call (“I’m so
drunk!”) expire a couple of years before my Saturn last returned, I have
realized that it’s better to wake up with no hangover at all than even with a
tiny one. Besides, researchers are now
saying there’s scientific proof that alcohol destroys brain cells, which is
interesting, but do you really need a government grant and a lab to figure that
out? No, you don’t. All it takes is getting to the point when you
start forgetting what time you got home, how you got home, and that sex with a
minor is a major crime. You can hang up
your lab coat and free the mice at that point because your research is finished
(and so is your time of having a felony-free record).
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