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Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Tony Gonzalez

Admittedly, I am not a football fan, but I would think that given my propensity to drool over hot dudes, (Exhibit A:  All of my Hot with a Chance of Sexy entries) that at least one bitch I know who is a football fan would’ve told me about the cat in the photo to the left and I wouldn’t have only discovered his sexy ass right as he’s considering retiring from the NFL.  This hooka could sit through more than a couple of downs to glimpse the loveliness that is this man.

I don’t know if I have a thing for dudes born under the Chinese sign of the dragon, or if they just happen to hot, good athletes and actors, or what- but here goes another one:  Anthony David Gonzalez.  Pick an ethnicity, race, or nationality and it can be found somewhere in Tony’s heritage, which is a high-five for interracial relationships as far as I am concerned because all that complex coupling and mixing resulted in something simply beautiful being born on February 27, 1976 in Torrance, CA.

Look at this man- all 6”5 of him- and imagine slowing pulling yourself up that amazing body to arrive at the breathtaking monument that is his face. While he might not be handsome in the traditional, pedestrian way- which is not a bad thing- he’s is so mesmerizing and unforgettable, you would want to get amnesia to stop thinking about him.

And on top being physically stunning, he ain’t no dummy.  Gonzalez went to UC Berkeley and majored in Communications.  Then, while he was playing for the Chiefs he co-founded a commercial cleaning service in Kansas City.  In 2009 he co-authored the book The All-Pro Diet, and later that year, he co-founded All-Pro Science which is a sports nutrition company that manufactures vitamins, protein shakes, and other supplements.  So he’s innovative, driven, and plays well with others?  I’m just gonna go ahead and assume that he has a cape, can fly, and smells really good.

As though that's not enough, Tony is very active with the Kidney Foundation because his best friend is recovering from a kidney disease.  He also contributed to Shadow Buddies, a charity that works with hospitalized children, when he was in Kansas City.

Just in case you are already trying to find his Fortress of Solitude on Google Earth, I give you one more reason to search:  in 2008 while eating at a restaurant in Huntington Beach, Tony noticed a fellow diner choking and successfully administered the Heimlich and saved his life.  Gonzalez can also time travel and breathe underwater.  At least he can in my fantasies.

And I know all y’all bitches are wondering so I will tell you what you already know deep down:  There is not a cuddly puppy or fuzzy bunny in hell's chance that Mr. Gonzalez is single.  In 2007, he had a commitment ceremony with his gorgeous girlfriend, October, and they have considered themselves married since.  They have a son and a daughter together, and he has a son from a previous relationship.

I certainly hope that Tony decides to come back to the Falcons next year so that I can enjoy seeing his prowess on the field as much as I enjoy reading about his prowess in life.  He is officially my new hero in 2013 (sorry, Greg M Bruni, you're out.  You don’t have shit on this dude on a stick).

Fightin' Over Soy Sauce and Underwear...Well, that's One Way to Come Out, Kwame

I just can't. It's late and I'm hella sleepy. I'm gonna blame this foolery on booze and too many bumps on the head over the years on the field and say goodnight.  You can read the full article below from SFGate.com and here is the link:

Former 49ers and Raiders tackle Kwame Harris faces charges that he assaulted his boyfriend at a Menlo Park restaurant after an argument involving soy sauce and underpants, San Mateo County prosecutors said Monday.

Harris, 30, became angry with Dimitri Geier, 36, in August at Su Hong restaurant on Menlo Avenue, according to court documents.

The ex-football player got incensed when Geier tried to put soy sauce on Harris' rice, said Al Serrato, a San Mateo County prosecutor.

"Basically, they're having dinner together and they get into a verbal dispute and it gets violent from there," Serrato said. "One of them had poured soy sauce onto the rice and the verbal dispute had escalated."

Serrato said the men were romantically involved and previously had lived together. Geier, a resident of Los Angeles, was visiting Harris at the time of the altercation, said Craig Charles, Geier's attorney.

"They'd broken up and gotten back together a few times," Charles said. "It was not a formal relationship."

During the restaurant argument, Harris accused Geier of stealing his underwear, Serrato said. Harris then tried to pull down Geier's pants, the prosecutor said.

"I guess he was trying to prove that he was wearing his underwear," Serrato said.

Harris, 6-foot-7 and 240 pounds, then pinned Geier (6-1, 220 pounds) against a plate-glass window and hit him several times in the face and head, Serrato said.

Doctors at O'Connor Hospital in San Jose determined that Geier had sustained complex compound facial fractures that required surgery and the insertion of a metal plate, Serrato said.

Harris later was charged with felony domestic abuse with great bodily injury and assault with great bodily injury, prosecutors said. Harris pleaded not guilty in the fall and made a pretrial appearance Monday in San Mateo County Superior Court. He is scheduled to go to trial in April.

Defense attorneys did not return messages seeking comment.

Geier sued Harris in October in San Mateo County seeking unspecified damages. Through an attorney, Harris has denied all the suit's claims.

Harris went to Stanford and was the 49ers' first pick in the 2003 draft. He played five seasons for the team before signing with the Raiders as a free agent.

He played the 2008 season with Oakland, then was released. He has been out of football since then.

Will Kane is a San Francisco Chronicle staff writer. E-mail: wkane@sfchronicle.com Twitter: @WillKane

Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/crime/article/Kwame-Harris-charged-with-felony-abuse-4230112.php#ixzz2JLgXHKnB

TYB (That's Your Boyfriend): Greg M. Bruni

I don’t even know what I love most about this story because it took wrong on a fantastic journey that included breaking and entering, nudity, cursing, guns, and sex pooping- but I love it.  The only other crazy shit missing from this tale is dancing brooms, Bugs Bunny in drag, and Joan Crawford in an evening gown in her midnight garden screaming at Tina to bring her an ax.

Greg M. Bruni has to be hating Facebook and his settings right now for making his ass and the rest of us aware of the fact that if news outlets can’t get your mugshot because you’re too naked or too in the hospital coming down, then they will use your Facebook pictures if they can get to them.  I do wish that I were friends with Greg just so I could see his other friends making fun of him because, well, how can you not make fun of a masturbating floor pooper?

Here’s the tea on how this whole veritable episode of “I (Almost) Got Away With It” (Opposite!) unfolded.  Greg Matthew (yes, I middle named him) evidently smoked/ ate/ injected/ ingested/ inhaled/ absorbed – pick a verb- something that fucked him up eight dirty days from Sunday, and his wrecked ass ended up on the rooftop of a house in North Fort Myers naked as the day he got arrested.  The homeowner heard something and when he went outside to investigate, Spider Greg jumped down, tackled him a la Gaesatae, and ran past the dude into the living room and broke a 72-inch television as he tried to pull it off the wall and steal it.  Bruni then started heading to “where guns were stored in the son’s bedroom,”-which is an entirely different blog that needs to be written- prompting the wife to fire three warning shots with her .38 revolver.  He still got in the son’s room, but was more interested in rubbing his face on the son’s clothes than finding the guns that were in there.

The shots must have scared him, though, because he fell to the ground and did what most of us do when we are terrified: he started masturbating.  The homeowner finally managed to call 911 and told the operators, “He run in my fucking house naked, hooting and hollering and tearing shit up.”  Oh, Greg.

Evidently the homeowner finally had enough of this bullshit and got a 12-gauge shotgun and held Bruni until the cops showed up.  How many fucking guns did they have in this house? Any road, when the cops showed up, Bruni was wallowing on the floor talking out his head and trying to get away, so they tasered him.  As they were taking him out of the house, deputies realized that since breaking into a house and shitting on the floor is the new black in Florida (see Brenda Schumann), they should check if Bruni was a Floridazy Fashionista. Sure enough, that mothafuka had taken a dump near the front door and also in a hallway inside the residence.  How long was this jackass in this house that he had time to do all this tackling, rubbing, masturbating, and pooping?  And how was he left alone long enough that no one saw him taking a couple of dumps?  I suppose those will be questions for the jury as Greg was charged with two counts of criminal mischief, battery, and occupied burglary.

To read the funniest/ raw version of of this story go here.

Quote of the Day 1-26-13

Quote of the Day