I don’t even know what I love most about this story because it took
wrong on a fantastic journey that included breaking and entering, nudity,
cursing, guns, and sex pooping- but I love it.
The only other crazy shit missing from this tale is dancing brooms, Bugs
Bunny in drag, and Joan Crawford in an evening gown in her midnight garden
screaming at Tina to bring her an ax.
Greg M. Bruni has to be hating Facebook and his settings right now for
making his ass and the rest of us aware of the fact that if news outlets can’t
get your mugshot because you’re too naked or too in the hospital coming down, then they will use your Facebook pictures if they can get to them. I do wish that I were friends with Greg just
so I could see his other friends making fun of him because, well, how can you
not make fun of a masturbating floor pooper?
Here’s the tea on how this whole veritable episode of “I (Almost) Got
Away With It” (Opposite!) unfolded. Greg
Matthew (yes, I middle named him) evidently smoked/ ate/ injected/ ingested/
inhaled/ absorbed – pick a verb- something that fucked him up eight dirty days
from Sunday, and his wrecked ass ended up on the rooftop of a house in North
Fort Myers naked as the day he got arrested.
The homeowner heard something and when he went outside to investigate,
Spider Greg jumped down, tackled him a la Gaesatae, and ran past the dude into
the living room and broke a 72-inch television as he tried to pull it off the
wall and steal it. Bruni then started
heading to “where guns were stored in the son’s bedroom,”-which is an entirely
different blog that needs to be written- prompting the wife to fire three
warning shots with her .38 revolver. He
still got in the son’s room, but was more interested in rubbing his face on the
son’s clothes than finding the guns that were in there.
The shots must have scared him, though, because he fell to the ground and did
what most of us do when we are terrified: he started masturbating. The homeowner finally managed to call 911 and
told the operators, “He run in my fucking house naked, hooting and hollering
and tearing shit up.” Oh, Greg.
Evidently the homeowner finally had enough of this bullshit and
got a 12-gauge shotgun and held Bruni until the cops showed up. How
many fucking guns did they have in this house? Any road, when the cops
showed up, Bruni was wallowing on the floor talking out his head and trying to
get away, so they tasered him. As they
were taking him out of the house, deputies realized that since breaking into a house and
shitting on the floor is the new black in Florida (see Brenda Schumann), they
should check if Bruni was a Floridazy Fashionista. Sure enough, that mothafuka had taken a dump near the front
door and also in a hallway inside the residence. How
long was this jackass in this house that he had time to do all this tackling,
rubbing, masturbating, and pooping? And how
was he left alone long enough that no one saw him taking a couple of dumps? I suppose those will be questions for the
jury as Greg was charged with two counts of criminal mischief, battery, and occupied burglary.
To
read the funniest/ raw version of of this story go here.
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