Hot with a Chance of Sexy: Axel Witsel

Sometimes when you traipse through the mundane, you end up stumbling upon something special or unusual. Like a unicorn- or a friendly little girl ghost named Emily. Or better still, a brotha with a huge afro and blue eyes. What?!  Yep. Unlike reading about something in fairy tales or hearing about something else from my stoned roommate like the first two, I actually saw the third one with my own two eyes. This blue-eyed, afro-dized brotha is named Axel Witsel, which evidently translates from some ancient, forgotten goddian language (yes, I like to make up words) and means "uniquely striking beauty".  And I found out he lives and breathes when I was visually walking around the internet reading about racism in European football (more on that below).

This 6 ft 1 in, multi-lingual, Zidane lovin', Capricorn/Dragon midfielder was born on January 12, 1989 in Liege, Belgium.  His father Thierry Witsel was also a footballer who played for a small club in Belgium, and still plays in the Belgian first division of mini-football (indoors).  I mention his pops so much because he is hella cute and while I know good black don't crack, this is just retarded:  Look at this man! How old was he when he had Axel? Three?!  He looks young enough to be Axel's slightly older hot friend who is juussst old enough for me "to (insert a verb)". And you know you would too, so shut it.

Axel started playing football when he was 4, and was taken into Standard de Liege when he was 9 where he did all of his youth categories.  Then it was onto Standard's professional team when he was 17.  After leaving Standard, he went onto Benfica in Portugal where he played until he decided to put his life in his own hands by signing on to to play with Zenit St. Petersburg on September 3rd of last year.  I say that for those of you who don't follow football and don't know how notoriously racist many Russian fans are:  They are so racist that the Zenit fan group Landscrona released a "manifesto" about their dream Zenit team that started with, "We're not racists, but..." I don't even need to finish quoting the rest of the sentence because you know some jacked up shit is coming.  Why?  Because we all know that one of the quickest ways a  racist can  reveal him or herself is to utter the aforementioned, "I'm not racist, but..."  Luckily Axel is not the only person of color in this den of bigotry as he was signed at the same time as former Porto rival, the Brazilian, Hulk- and they join Portuguese defender Bruno Alves, who signed in 2010.  To read the whole article about the douchebags of Landscrona, click here.

The soon-to-be 24 year old Witsel is booed up with a Romanian woman named Raefella Szabo.  I tried to find information about her online, but when Google translate informed me that she is a "he" and instead of "girlfriend", called her "millionaire friend", I figured I would simply leave you chirruns with the photo below and the knowledge that she and her breasts live with him in St. Petersburg.

Axel, I hope you have a fantabulous 24th birthday and I hope those foolish fans at Zenit don't make you have to pull a Boateng, but if so, I will cheer for you as I have for him!