Something on my Mind-Grapes: Naomi Campbell

When I first heard the other day that Ms. Thang Naomi Campbell was mugged and injured on a Parisian street while trying to hail a cab over a month ago, my mind went into overdrive. Especially when they initially said that she didn't file a police report. While I obviously wasn't there to say it didn't happen- I haven't been to Paris since I flew there on a whim over a decade ago and ended up meeting and making out with Johnny Depp at the Buddha Bar in a dream I had- something about the story rang false. Mainly it was that I have a feeling that after decades of limousines, yachts, and private jets, Naomi doesn't even remember what a cab is.  The notion of her standing on the street waiting- what the fuck is "waiting"?- for some random person who smells like broken dreams and fast food to stop and collect her, is probably as foreign to her as the fact cellphones are not weapons of assistant destruction.  If a multimillionaire hit on Naomi right now she would probably pat him on the head, tell him his financial situation was "cute" and to come back when he has "big boy money."  She is not going to be standing in the street like a "non-special".  Bump that. Bitch takes her 1000 mg "I ain't the one" tablets 3 times a day and she is not having that.

So, of course, with my over-driven aforementioned mind, I thought that something far more seemingly inline with the wrath of Campbell must have gone down:  I was really hoping that maybe, just maybe, she was with Vlad the (Naomi) Impaler and they got in some simple lovers' exchange which quickly devolved into her catwalk stomping her phone into a Chinese Throwing Star, and sending it shooting at her man when he went for her ego's jugular and told her something like her 100% Chinese Virgin full lace wig looked like she bought it in a Ziploc bag at Ratchet Discount Hair Bins. Vlad, having a wife and girlfriend who both know of each other, would obviously know how to do a Matrix backbend and dodge a hurled object.  I imagined that after he stood back up and said, "No, this bitch just didn't" in Russian a few times, he came her Ike style and she injured herself trying to jump up too fast in four and a half inch Louboutin Guerilla spikes to teach him some Tyson shit she learned back in the day from Mike.  I envisioned that they went a few rounds mano-a-mano before passion took them in a different direction and they fell on the ground and dirty-verbed each other until she realized something was wrong when she couldn't get her leg from around his neck.

Well, sweet dreams aren't made of that because in the updated report via the New York Post, the incident- minus the cab- really did supposedly happen in front of the home/workplace of designer Azzedine Alaia. And there was a police report which stated the incident happened on November 21st. Two bikers were allegedly trying to gank her bag, but they didn't get it.  She is a for real kinda bitch, and for that she gets a standing slow clap from me:  Naomi would rather tear a ligament than give up her "you could die, come back, live to be 100, and still never afford this bag" bag.  The report said that she tore the ligament when she fell, but with those long ass legs and her (understandable) rage, she probably did it when she touched the back of her head with her wind up kick and tried to soccer ball their heads down Rue de Don't Fuck With Me like she was taking a penalty shot in the World Cup.

After the attack,Vladimir Doronin, her billionaire boyfriend, whisked her off to Vail, CO. to an orthopedic specialist and upped her security. Speaking of her boyfriend, in light of reports about this mugging, many people who didn't know much about him, are outraged that Naomi is booed up with a married man.  Whatevs. According to everything I've read, he and his wife had been living separate lives for a decade before he met Naomi.  And get this, he supposedly had a seven year relationship with another woman before Naomi that his wife knew about as well.  Apparently, the two of them continue to co-parent their 15-year-old daughter, and he reportedly takes excellent financial care of both of them. Obviously the situation isn't ideal, but it sounds like he's at least honest about things and tries to keep the peace as much as he can- and from the photo above, it seems as though they can at least make nice for pictures.

There have been rumors swirling since last spring that his wife is planning to divorce him, but even if she has said it, I don't believe she will really do it.  Why would she? First off, since killing a spouse so you don't have to payout in a divorce settlement is evidently the new black, she's lucky that he didn't do that in the first place (and I know that's a sad testament about the state of the world that I am praising someone for not killing their spouse over money but there ya go).  Secondly, if you watched even one episode of Russian Dolls on VH1 then you are as pathetic as I am, but you also know that Russian broads don't play. I'm sure she and Naomi try to out-bitch each other at every possible turn, and probably grudgingly, secretly respect each other for it.  That being said, if I were his wife I would try to checkmate a bitch legit and NEVER, EVER divorce him- and rejoice in Naomi's fury as I told the world my lie, and ran up behind her in her rehab wheelchair, whispering the truth in her ear.