According to Ray, when he and his lady were in Malaysia enjoying some sexy love times earlier this month, she bobbed when she should have weaved while she was on top of him, and crushed his special area. He bled like a stuck pig, passed out from the pain, and was rushed to the hospital (or as they call it in the 2nd official language in Malaysia: hospital). The doctors performed emergency surgery for a "slight" (a quote, obviously not Ray Elbe's word) tear in his urinary tube, gave him some anti-erection medication (not sure what the meds were, but I am imagining photos of Honey Boo Boo's mother June in a two-piece bikini with that rope of fat around her neck for the win on my guess) to take for 2 weeks, and other than stress dreams and trying to trauma block out a pain that must have been akin to having a baby come out of his pee-pee hole, Elbe seems to be physically okay.
Ray chose to tell his version of a 21st century PSA (send a picture of yourself in an ambulance to TMZ) to the world because until it happened to him, he didn't know it was possible. When he looked online after the fact, he was shocked to see that it's a pretty common occurrence but many men don't go to the ER when it happens because they are embarrassed and many don't realize, beyond the excruciating pain, the potential for serious internal injuries and long term damage when a cockeyed dick enthusiast's heat is even slightly misaligned with a heat seeking moisture missile.
While I feel bad for Elbe, I feel much better about myself. I know that I am not a good sex person, but I can now take comfort in the knowledge that while I have made some dicks go limp, at least I have never fractured one (aiming high, bitches).
I also feel bad for Elbe's girlfriend, who according to him promised a threesome of his choice when they get to the Philippines, to which he added (regarding the Philippines), "...usually has some solid talent." Great. You basically already told the world that she fucks like a blind epileptic having a grand mal seizure, and now you're gonna put her in a corner and have her simulate sex until you're sure she learns how to ride right by watching some prostitute of questionable gender pound on your Wii. (Sorry, but that girlfriend isn't getting close to his penis again until she has some Phenobarbital and night vision goggles- I don't care what she promised.)
To read more about what a fractured dork means (from a doctor and; not just my sagacious ass) and see what to do if your spastic Magoo lover breaks your johnson, click here.
To read more about Ray Elbe's story at TMZ, click here.
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